A Table Within The Valley

This post is going to be much different than the posts I’ve written before. I’m going stray a bit off the beaten path with something that shook my world. While it may be a more serious post I believe strongly that you, dear reader, can find hope, be encouraged and see God’s mercy, grace and ultimately refuge that we can have with Him.

Coffee, Friendship and a Storm

A few weeks ago I set out on an hour drive to meet up with a dear friend of mine and fellow Mom. We had planned our fall afternoon getaway MONTHS in advance! I had counted down the days until we could sip warm, delicious coffee together in a small lakeside town in the middle of a crisp autumn day. We would be away from household chores, piling demands from our dear sweet offspring and drinking in the sweet friendship I loved so much! Ah, yes....I could hardly wait.

The week leading up to this much anticipated Saturday was unusually difficult for me. Our twin boys were becoming more and more independent and running me raggeted with toddler craziness. I felt an increasing tension growing within me. I needed this day more than ever it seemed. The day had finally come! We spent the afternoon catching up, laughing, and encouraging one another. After a wonderfully relaxing (but unfortunately rainy) day with my sweet friend I left the restaurant where we had dinner and began my hour trek back home.

I hadn’t noticed exactly how rainy it was that evening. It had rained all day long but I hadn’t really seen it change much. As I headed home, the storm picked up. The rain was steadily increasing. I’ve driven through many rain storms and snow storms before. But for some reason as I drove, fear began to rise up in me ever so quietly.

The rain was coming down incredibly fast from all directions. I had my window wipers on the fastest setting and I still had an incredibly difficult time seeing. At this point lightning had started dancing around me every 30 seconds or so with loud cracks of thunder following. The wind had picked up and was pushing against my car. The road was starting to flood before me. The rain was getting worse. It sounds crazy but I worried if I would know a tornado was approaching in the furry and darkness. All of a sudden the fear within me spilled over. I began to wonder if I was going to make it home. In that moment with lightning, thunder, wind and rain pounding down all around me I suddenly felt alone. The faces of my kids and husband flashed before me and I began to think it might be possible I may not see them ever again.

A Dark Road

It’s interesting, as I look back on that night other thoughts flood my mind. Why didn’t I just pull over and seek shelter? The reality is that there was no place to go. I felt even more scared deviating from the road I knew. How long would the storm last anyway? If I did try to go somewhere I could be there for hours. When you’re in such a scary situation it’s hard to know the best thing to do. I knew I wasn’t far from home but I wasn’t sure if I was going to get there. 

As I followed my gps I counted down the miles until I arrived. When I pulled in the driveway I was shaking. I had to pry my fingers from the steering wheel that I had been gripping so hard. I sat in the car silent and amazed I had made it. Thank you, Jesus....I managed to whisper. Normally I would expect sheer joy to wash over me in that moment but I didn’t feel joyful at all. As dramatic as it sounds, I felt like I had thinly escaped death. I tried to brush off the feeling and went inside to hug my babies and husband.

Spiritual Fight

That evening after everyone was tucked in bed I couldn’t get my mind to shut off. My heart was still racing. My mind began to churn with vivid images of death. I could not for the life of me stop the thoughts. This wasn’t me. Where were these thoughts coming from? I will not go into detail but these thoughts scared me. I spent the entire night until dawn praying and silently singing Amazing Grace. I must have slept a total of 2 hours. 

I woke up exhausted and fragile. I woke up not feeling like myself. I haven’t felt this before. The closest feeling I could describe it as was a spiritual attack. I confessed to Joel that I felt out of sorts. I could not figure out how to remove the turmoil that was happening inside me. These feelings were crippling. And suddenly the normal tasks of caring for the children and making breakfast seemed incredibly daunting to me, but I went through the motions anyway.

Tomorrow Is Sunday

I truly believe God worked this all out within His soveregnity that it was Sunday morning. I needed to be with His people, in His sanctuary, praising Him and defeating the devil.

After arriving at church, I pulled my mom aside in the parking lot and told her what was happening and my car ride home. I was almost convinced I was going to need some mental and emotional help. She firmly spoke Truth to me and was more than certain that this was all rooted from my experience through the storm. I broke down in tears and sobbed in the parking lot. It makes sense when I look back now but at the time I wasn’t so sure. I had made it home. I was alive. So why be so burdened by these emotions? Shouldn’t I be rejoicing instead of picturing death? But she was right. As I began to process and sort through my emotions it wasn’t just the goal of making it home that night that should have tossed all my worries aside but it was the reality of death that I experienced. Somehow, I had been convinced that I would not see my family again, that something was going to happen to me. It was the sobering reality that I have no control over living and dieing except for Christ. My family was at the core of this fear. It was, in short, excrustiatingly painful to realize such a reality. 

I’m convinced this was a spiritual attack. Though the reality of death is real and painful CHRIST has defeated the grave. Death has no sting, we have victory over death because of Jesus.

The Beauty of Death

I cannot tell you how healing it was for me to be at church that day. The songs we sang for worship ironically all focused on death—but life through death. [See list of these worship songs below] These songs depicted the sacrifice Christ made for us. That deep pain of death I felt was the depth He went for me. For all of us. As my lips sang these words and tears fell onto my cheeks, Jesus painted this beautifully refreshing picture of His love for me through death in my mind that washed away any dark thoughts I had of death the night before. The devil cannot make death ugly because Christ has made it beautiful! His death is our salvation and that is something to shout from the roof tops.

A Table Admist My Enemies

As I worshipped and prayed and healed in the sanctuary pew that morning, I was reminded of Psalm 23. I quickly looked it up as I sat there:

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

This verse breathed life into me. I’ve heard it a thousand times, but that morning I saw something completely different. 

Even though I walk through the darkest valley...You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

How beautiful a picture is that?? I read those words and I picture very dark mountains, surrounded by dark skies but in the valley where these mountains meet there is a feast. There is a large table prepared with delicious food. There is light and laughing and singing. There are friends. The air is filled with amazing smells! And I see the Lord inviting me to sit with Him at this table. The valley around us is otherwise draped in darkness and shadows of dangerous figures hiding as they linger outside the light. They cannot touch the table. There is peace, joy, beauty and hope. There is Jesus.

I adore tables for many reasons, but this verse, this picture of a table inspite of the spiritual war going on around us so we can take refuge with Him, gives me peace. We can sit at His table and find peace, nourishment and healing. He could have used a different word but He didn’t. He used a table to glorify Himself and what He will do for us while the broken world rages on around us. He is in control. Always has been.

It’s About Jesus

One thing I have learned from this experience is that these spiritual attacks are not about us. The devil could absolutely care less about us. But he is ravenous to defeat Jesus. He will do whatever it takes because it is all about Jesus. He will drag us down and speak lies to us that weaken our trust in Christ. The further he can drive us from Christ, the more he thinks he’s winning. We must stay rooted in the Truth of the Bible. Let me also be clear—spiritual attacks are not a sign of weakness for the believer but of strength and power. I strongly believe that those who pursue the Lord, have a close relationship with Him and trust Him are most at risk. Because we hold the power to spread the Gospel of Jesus like wild fire and THAT is life-giving, world redeeming.

Hurting Eyes

Since my experience, I feel like scales have fallen from my eyes. I am so aware of those hurting around me. I’ve always considered myself compassionate and a lover of people but this has brought me to a deeper level of empathy towards others. I sense the loss, the fear, the anxiety, the emotional and mental turmoil that someone may be experiencing. I understand on a completely different level how these internal attacks and lies can negatively effect ones thoughts, actions and well-being. I have had family members and close friends struggle with  these heavy and debilitating thoughts and fears; some for a season others for years. I realize that my experience was incredibly short but it has given me invaluable insight into how I can help and comfort others going through these struggles. I will never know how truly hard these struggles can be, but I can meet those who are there perhaps better than I have ever been able to before and lead them to the light. 

There’s Hope

I don’t know what you struggle with, dear reader, but we all struggle with something. If you do not know Jesus as your personal Savior, now is a good of time as any to find out who the Jesus of the Bible is. His loving sacrifice on the cross has made it possible for you to be in a real relationship with God. We must admit that we are not perfect and cannot approach a God who is, on our own merit, but because of Jesus we can. There’s hope. There’s grace. There’s Jesus. Sweet, sweet Jesus.

Below I’ve listed a few worship songs that we sang that Sunday morning. They were songs I believe God hand-picked for me that day. I hope they encourage you and speak to your soul.

Theres A Fountain Filled with Blood

Norton Hall Band

1	There is a fountain filled with blood   Drawn from Immanuel’s veins; And sinners, plunged beneath that flood,   Lose all their guilty stains:   Lose all their guilty stains,   Lose all their guilty stains; And sinners, plunged beneath that flood,   Lose all their guilty stains.
2	The dying thief rejoiced to see   That fountain in his day; And there may I, though vile as he,   Wash all my sins away:   Wash all my sins away,   Wash all my sins away; And there may I, though vile as he,   Wash all my sins away.
3	Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood   Shall never lose its power, Till all the ransomed ones of God   Be saved, to sin no more:   Be saved, to sin no more,   Be saved, to sin no more; Till all the ransomed ones of God,   Be saved to sin no more.
4	E’er since by faith I saw the stream   Thy flowing wounds supply, Redeeming love has been my theme,   And shall be till I die:   And shall be till I die,   And shall be till I die; Redeeming love has been my theme,   And shall be till I die.
5	When this poor lisping, stammering tongue   Lies silent in the grave, Then in a nobler, sweeter song,   I’ll sing Thy power to save:   I’ll sing Thy power to save,   I’ll sing Thy power to save; Then in a nobler, sweeter song,   I’ll sing Thy power to save. The Wonderful Cross Chris Tomlin When I survey the wondrous Cross On which the Prince of Glory died My richest gain, I count but loss And pour contempt on all my pride See from His head, His hands, His feet Sorrow and love flow mingled down Did ever such love and sorrow meet? Or thorns compose, so rich a crown Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross All who gather here by grace, draw near and bless Your name Were the whole realm of nature mine That were an offering far too small Love so amazing, so divine Demands my soul, my life, my all Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross All who gather here by grace, draw near and bless Your name Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live Love so amazing, so divine Demands my soul, my life, my all It's the beauty and the shame It's the glory and the name Wonderful Cross Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross All who gather here by grace, draw near and bless Your name Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live My Victory David  Crowder Band You came for criminals  And every pharisee  You came for hypocrites Even one like me  You carried sin and shame  The guilt of every man The weight of all i’ve done  Nailed into your hands Oh, your love bled for me Oh, your blood in crimson streams Oh, your death is hells defeat A cross meant to kill is my victory Oh, your amazing grace  I’ve seen and tasted it It’s running through my veins I can’t escape its grip  In you my soul is safe You cover everything Oh, your love bled for me Oh, your blood in crimson streams Oh, your death is hells defeat A cross meant to kill is my victory Be hold the lamb of god Who takes away our sin,  Who takes away our sin  The holy lamb of god  Makes us alive again Makes us alive again Be hold the lamb of  God who takes away our sin Who takes away our  Sin the holy lamb of god Makes us alive again Makes us alive again Oh, your love bled for me Oh, your blood in crimson streams Oh, your death is hells defeat A cross meant to kill is my victory

Searching For Home

We have been searching for home. It is by God's grace and provision that we are even walking this path. I feel compelled to record everything we've been walking through on this journey that it might encourage someone else but also to remind myself of God's goodness and plan. 

We are following His lead, praying, saving, wondering where our family will land and quietly anticipating what the Lord has in store for us.

Not Just Buying A House

Almost a year ago, we started making phone calls, doing research, figuring out our financial plan and understanding the market of real estate. As the year progressed we made lists of our needs and wants. We prayed about the timing. We paid off debt. We got all the paper work and approvals ready to go. We started looking at houses. As we started visiting properties, my heart and mind started to imagine what our life would look like in each of these homes. Was this where we would raise our family? Then my mind and heart began to go deeper...will we share God's love with these neighbors? Lord, is this neighborhood our ministry?

We are intentionally taking root where we hope God will use us to share the Gospel. Every house we see or neighborhood we visit, I am asking God to show us where He can use us best; regardless of my selfish desires. Which, by the way, is really hard to pray. Because houses and yards are so pretty!

But Not That House

House hunting is becoming a full time job. Between phone calls, scanning the suburbs for listings, going to see a listing and finding sitters EVERY. TIME. for the listing; it's...well, kind of exhausting (on top of my managing 4 kids and Joel managing his full time teaching and coaching career, I digress). As our search continues it has become apparent where God does not want us living. I mean, it's literally become comical and expected that the houses we see or plan to see will have a big, glaring, red flag of some sort or obstacle so that we cannot further pursue it.

To give you a few (laughable....go ahead, I have!) examples: flooded basement, extremely large dirt pile in basement, houses going under contract hours before or after we show up to a house, children getting sick so we have to cancel listings (to which those listings also go under contract 24hrs after we cancel), houses go on market and then oddly off market within hours of us booking a showing, I mean...I could go on. I have gotten to the point that when we book a showing I expect a call from our agent letting us know there's a problem or there's a reason to cancel. Like that one time I thought we had a solid showing lined up after church one Sunday afternoon, only to say to Joel, "Wouldn't it be funny if we got in the car and I had a call from Judy (our agent) canceling?" Because that's exactly what happened. Missed call from Judy. Awesome. Just hilarious....[Insert eye roll]

So fine. I decided to change my prayer from "God is this our house?" to "God show me that this is not our house". It worked. My confidence and faith grew as we stepped into each house. I knew God would make it incredibly obvious which houses were not ours. I became more aggressive in our search, being willing to step outside our comfort zone trusting God would make it known if this house was it. 

This One House

But then...there was this one house that had no glaring red flags. We saw it on a whim after we decided the house now known affectionately as the "dirt-pile-lipstick-on-a-pig" house was clearly a no! It was out of our price range and a for sale by owner. It was on zillow. Joel suggested we not waste our showing time (and babysitters) and take a look.

It was the location and neighborhood we wanted. It met our needs, exceeded some of our expectations. It was the first house I genuinely felt confident about wanting to put an offer on. So we did. But after a few counters, it was a no. I really thought it would work out. I was disappointed. 

That was April 20th.

As of noon on June 3rd, they accepted our offer and we had a contract. We left that house in April. We kept searching. They remained on the market, at times literally the only house in that price range in that town. Then they reduced their price (after raising it for some ridiculous, unknown reasons!) so we offered again in May. Still no meeting us. So we continued to shop. It was not until the first week of June when our realtor and lender (without us asking) made it known to us that we could raise our offer a bit more and still remain where we wanted to be financially. So we decided to offer again....and they took it!

Another Offer

Thursday evening, June 1st we had a verbal confirmation from the sellers for our offer. We signed the contract and sent it over at 7a Friday morning. Friday afternoon at 3:30p I received a call from our realtor that they had received another offer. We were completely shocked! After all this time on the market they suddenly had another offer on the table. 

What?! 

Now they were asking for all parties to submit their best and final offers by noon on Saturday June 3. I was actually very hesitant all of a sudden. My first thought was that they were bluffing to get us higher. It made me incredibly nervous to work with owners who would do this. I then thought maybe this was God's way of telling us this was not our house. We knew we weren't going to change our offer. We agreed on it. I felt very strongly that our offer was what God intended for us. If the sellers chose the other offer I was at peace that this was not our house. We'd come so far with these sellers to find out that these last few moments could make all the difference.

So we waited and prayed.

At 12:05p on Saturday June 3rd, we had a signed contract on the house. It was ours! It turns out that there really was another offer at the last minute. The sellers were incredibly honest, and nervous since they had verbally confirmed with us. Their agent recommended the change due to the other offer coming in. We were, as was our realtor, pretty sure we've been their first and only interested buyers since they came on the market in March. It amazes me that at the very end of all this I think God used that offer to help us fully trust Him and His plan for this house. We could have raised our offer or walked away. But we stood firm and felt that was what God was asking us to do. As we found out later, the other offer had been lower than ours. The sellers were actually relieved to sign our contract and stick with the original plan. I believe this offer helped them commit fully to our transaction too because it helped them see they weren't going to get much more for their house.  

Unfolding Our Home

As exciting as it was to finally have a signed contract, there were more steps to be completed before we knew for sure that this house would be ours.

House hunting is only the tip of the iceberg. Below the surface, once a contract is signed, lies a separate process of evaluating the home and making sure it is a solid purchase. My excitement was being held lightly now, because if I was taught anything by that last minute offer coming in it was that nothing is a sure thing until we have the keys in our hands.

So we have moved forward with inspections, appraisals, requests for repairs, etc. Each and every step has been incredibly smooth. I've heard absolute horror stories about house buying! But we've been checking off the boxes on our to-do list seamlessly.

The Final Days

We are 22 days from closing! We have finished most of the steps needed in the entire transaction. I'm absolutely in awe of how God has been divinely involved in the most minute details. I say this with complete humility, but a very clear example of His working in such small details was through our interest rate. When we made our final offer to the sellers we had to increase our offer a bit, which moved our monthly mortgage higher than we wanted. We went ahead trusting this was what God wanted. Weeks later when we signed the mortgage documents (so much signing!) we ended up with an incredibly low interest rate that moved our mortgage payment back to where we had been before we increased our final offer. I mean, only God can do something like that! 

I wanted so much for Him to direct us and be apart of finding our home. He has provided the right people to guide us, answered some of our deepest needs and prayers, and has confirmed to us over and over throughout this process that this indeed is our new home. I cannot begin to express the excitement and peace we have moving forward! I look at this entire journey and can only see God all over it!

Almost Home

Finding a home has reminded me of my eternal home with Christ. While we've been busy searching for our physical home to raise our family, I'm reminded that I long for my permanent home someday apart from this Earth. I've spent a lot of time searching for a home, missing toys, lost Cheerios, new friendships. And the list goes on. But one thing I will never have to search for is my eternal home when this life is over. I've found Jesus Christ and His love for me. I've found His sacrifice and redemption through the cross so that I may spend my eternity with Him in a perfect home in Heaven. I've found a deep and soul-quenching relationship with my God that proves to be steadfast no matter life's circumstances. I'm no longer a nomad with no place to call home but a child of God who's Kingdom is my inheritance. Dear friend, where will your eternal home be? 

"Ask and it will be given to you;seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8