A Table Within The Valley

This post is going to be much different than the posts I’ve written before. I’m going stray a bit off the beaten path with something that shook my world. While it may be a more serious post I believe strongly that you, dear reader, can find hope, be encouraged and see God’s mercy, grace and ultimately refuge that we can have with Him.

Coffee, Friendship and a Storm

A few weeks ago I set out on an hour drive to meet up with a dear friend of mine and fellow Mom. We had planned our fall afternoon getaway MONTHS in advance! I had counted down the days until we could sip warm, delicious coffee together in a small lakeside town in the middle of a crisp autumn day. We would be away from household chores, piling demands from our dear sweet offspring and drinking in the sweet friendship I loved so much! Ah, yes....I could hardly wait.

The week leading up to this much anticipated Saturday was unusually difficult for me. Our twin boys were becoming more and more independent and running me raggeted with toddler craziness. I felt an increasing tension growing within me. I needed this day more than ever it seemed. The day had finally come! We spent the afternoon catching up, laughing, and encouraging one another. After a wonderfully relaxing (but unfortunately rainy) day with my sweet friend I left the restaurant where we had dinner and began my hour trek back home.

I hadn’t noticed exactly how rainy it was that evening. It had rained all day long but I hadn’t really seen it change much. As I headed home, the storm picked up. The rain was steadily increasing. I’ve driven through many rain storms and snow storms before. But for some reason as I drove, fear began to rise up in me ever so quietly.

The rain was coming down incredibly fast from all directions. I had my window wipers on the fastest setting and I still had an incredibly difficult time seeing. At this point lightning had started dancing around me every 30 seconds or so with loud cracks of thunder following. The wind had picked up and was pushing against my car. The road was starting to flood before me. The rain was getting worse. It sounds crazy but I worried if I would know a tornado was approaching in the furry and darkness. All of a sudden the fear within me spilled over. I began to wonder if I was going to make it home. In that moment with lightning, thunder, wind and rain pounding down all around me I suddenly felt alone. The faces of my kids and husband flashed before me and I began to think it might be possible I may not see them ever again.

A Dark Road

It’s interesting, as I look back on that night other thoughts flood my mind. Why didn’t I just pull over and seek shelter? The reality is that there was no place to go. I felt even more scared deviating from the road I knew. How long would the storm last anyway? If I did try to go somewhere I could be there for hours. When you’re in such a scary situation it’s hard to know the best thing to do. I knew I wasn’t far from home but I wasn’t sure if I was going to get there. 

As I followed my gps I counted down the miles until I arrived. When I pulled in the driveway I was shaking. I had to pry my fingers from the steering wheel that I had been gripping so hard. I sat in the car silent and amazed I had made it. Thank you, Jesus....I managed to whisper. Normally I would expect sheer joy to wash over me in that moment but I didn’t feel joyful at all. As dramatic as it sounds, I felt like I had thinly escaped death. I tried to brush off the feeling and went inside to hug my babies and husband.

Spiritual Fight

That evening after everyone was tucked in bed I couldn’t get my mind to shut off. My heart was still racing. My mind began to churn with vivid images of death. I could not for the life of me stop the thoughts. This wasn’t me. Where were these thoughts coming from? I will not go into detail but these thoughts scared me. I spent the entire night until dawn praying and silently singing Amazing Grace. I must have slept a total of 2 hours. 

I woke up exhausted and fragile. I woke up not feeling like myself. I haven’t felt this before. The closest feeling I could describe it as was a spiritual attack. I confessed to Joel that I felt out of sorts. I could not figure out how to remove the turmoil that was happening inside me. These feelings were crippling. And suddenly the normal tasks of caring for the children and making breakfast seemed incredibly daunting to me, but I went through the motions anyway.

Tomorrow Is Sunday

I truly believe God worked this all out within His soveregnity that it was Sunday morning. I needed to be with His people, in His sanctuary, praising Him and defeating the devil.

After arriving at church, I pulled my mom aside in the parking lot and told her what was happening and my car ride home. I was almost convinced I was going to need some mental and emotional help. She firmly spoke Truth to me and was more than certain that this was all rooted from my experience through the storm. I broke down in tears and sobbed in the parking lot. It makes sense when I look back now but at the time I wasn’t so sure. I had made it home. I was alive. So why be so burdened by these emotions? Shouldn’t I be rejoicing instead of picturing death? But she was right. As I began to process and sort through my emotions it wasn’t just the goal of making it home that night that should have tossed all my worries aside but it was the reality of death that I experienced. Somehow, I had been convinced that I would not see my family again, that something was going to happen to me. It was the sobering reality that I have no control over living and dieing except for Christ. My family was at the core of this fear. It was, in short, excrustiatingly painful to realize such a reality. 

I’m convinced this was a spiritual attack. Though the reality of death is real and painful CHRIST has defeated the grave. Death has no sting, we have victory over death because of Jesus.

The Beauty of Death

I cannot tell you how healing it was for me to be at church that day. The songs we sang for worship ironically all focused on death—but life through death. [See list of these worship songs below] These songs depicted the sacrifice Christ made for us. That deep pain of death I felt was the depth He went for me. For all of us. As my lips sang these words and tears fell onto my cheeks, Jesus painted this beautifully refreshing picture of His love for me through death in my mind that washed away any dark thoughts I had of death the night before. The devil cannot make death ugly because Christ has made it beautiful! His death is our salvation and that is something to shout from the roof tops.

A Table Admist My Enemies

As I worshipped and prayed and healed in the sanctuary pew that morning, I was reminded of Psalm 23. I quickly looked it up as I sat there:

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me

    all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

This verse breathed life into me. I’ve heard it a thousand times, but that morning I saw something completely different. 

Even though I walk through the darkest valley...You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

How beautiful a picture is that?? I read those words and I picture very dark mountains, surrounded by dark skies but in the valley where these mountains meet there is a feast. There is a large table prepared with delicious food. There is light and laughing and singing. There are friends. The air is filled with amazing smells! And I see the Lord inviting me to sit with Him at this table. The valley around us is otherwise draped in darkness and shadows of dangerous figures hiding as they linger outside the light. They cannot touch the table. There is peace, joy, beauty and hope. There is Jesus.

I adore tables for many reasons, but this verse, this picture of a table inspite of the spiritual war going on around us so we can take refuge with Him, gives me peace. We can sit at His table and find peace, nourishment and healing. He could have used a different word but He didn’t. He used a table to glorify Himself and what He will do for us while the broken world rages on around us. He is in control. Always has been.

It’s About Jesus

One thing I have learned from this experience is that these spiritual attacks are not about us. The devil could absolutely care less about us. But he is ravenous to defeat Jesus. He will do whatever it takes because it is all about Jesus. He will drag us down and speak lies to us that weaken our trust in Christ. The further he can drive us from Christ, the more he thinks he’s winning. We must stay rooted in the Truth of the Bible. Let me also be clear—spiritual attacks are not a sign of weakness for the believer but of strength and power. I strongly believe that those who pursue the Lord, have a close relationship with Him and trust Him are most at risk. Because we hold the power to spread the Gospel of Jesus like wild fire and THAT is life-giving, world redeeming.

Hurting Eyes

Since my experience, I feel like scales have fallen from my eyes. I am so aware of those hurting around me. I’ve always considered myself compassionate and a lover of people but this has brought me to a deeper level of empathy towards others. I sense the loss, the fear, the anxiety, the emotional and mental turmoil that someone may be experiencing. I understand on a completely different level how these internal attacks and lies can negatively effect ones thoughts, actions and well-being. I have had family members and close friends struggle with  these heavy and debilitating thoughts and fears; some for a season others for years. I realize that my experience was incredibly short but it has given me invaluable insight into how I can help and comfort others going through these struggles. I will never know how truly hard these struggles can be, but I can meet those who are there perhaps better than I have ever been able to before and lead them to the light. 

There’s Hope

I don’t know what you struggle with, dear reader, but we all struggle with something. If you do not know Jesus as your personal Savior, now is a good of time as any to find out who the Jesus of the Bible is. His loving sacrifice on the cross has made it possible for you to be in a real relationship with God. We must admit that we are not perfect and cannot approach a God who is, on our own merit, but because of Jesus we can. There’s hope. There’s grace. There’s Jesus. Sweet, sweet Jesus.

Below I’ve listed a few worship songs that we sang that Sunday morning. They were songs I believe God hand-picked for me that day. I hope they encourage you and speak to your soul.

Theres A Fountain Filled with Blood

Norton Hall Band

1	There is a fountain filled with blood   Drawn from Immanuel’s veins; And sinners, plunged beneath that flood,   Lose all their guilty stains:   Lose all their guilty stains,   Lose all their guilty stains; And sinners, plunged beneath that flood,   Lose all their guilty stains.
2	The dying thief rejoiced to see   That fountain in his day; And there may I, though vile as he,   Wash all my sins away:   Wash all my sins away,   Wash all my sins away; And there may I, though vile as he,   Wash all my sins away.
3	Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood   Shall never lose its power, Till all the ransomed ones of God   Be saved, to sin no more:   Be saved, to sin no more,   Be saved, to sin no more; Till all the ransomed ones of God,   Be saved to sin no more.
4	E’er since by faith I saw the stream   Thy flowing wounds supply, Redeeming love has been my theme,   And shall be till I die:   And shall be till I die,   And shall be till I die; Redeeming love has been my theme,   And shall be till I die.
5	When this poor lisping, stammering tongue   Lies silent in the grave, Then in a nobler, sweeter song,   I’ll sing Thy power to save:   I’ll sing Thy power to save,   I’ll sing Thy power to save; Then in a nobler, sweeter song,   I’ll sing Thy power to save. The Wonderful Cross Chris Tomlin When I survey the wondrous Cross On which the Prince of Glory died My richest gain, I count but loss And pour contempt on all my pride See from His head, His hands, His feet Sorrow and love flow mingled down Did ever such love and sorrow meet? Or thorns compose, so rich a crown Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross All who gather here by grace, draw near and bless Your name Were the whole realm of nature mine That were an offering far too small Love so amazing, so divine Demands my soul, my life, my all Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross All who gather here by grace, draw near and bless Your name Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live Love so amazing, so divine Demands my soul, my life, my all It's the beauty and the shame It's the glory and the name Wonderful Cross Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross All who gather here by grace, draw near and bless Your name Oh the wonderful Cross, oh the wonderful Cross Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live My Victory David  Crowder Band You came for criminals  And every pharisee  You came for hypocrites Even one like me  You carried sin and shame  The guilt of every man The weight of all i’ve done  Nailed into your hands Oh, your love bled for me Oh, your blood in crimson streams Oh, your death is hells defeat A cross meant to kill is my victory Oh, your amazing grace  I’ve seen and tasted it It’s running through my veins I can’t escape its grip  In you my soul is safe You cover everything Oh, your love bled for me Oh, your blood in crimson streams Oh, your death is hells defeat A cross meant to kill is my victory Be hold the lamb of god Who takes away our sin,  Who takes away our sin  The holy lamb of god  Makes us alive again Makes us alive again Be hold the lamb of  God who takes away our sin Who takes away our  Sin the holy lamb of god Makes us alive again Makes us alive again Oh, your love bled for me Oh, your blood in crimson streams Oh, your death is hells defeat A cross meant to kill is my victory

Searching For Home

We have been searching for home. It is by God's grace and provision that we are even walking this path. I feel compelled to record everything we've been walking through on this journey that it might encourage someone else but also to remind myself of God's goodness and plan. 

We are following His lead, praying, saving, wondering where our family will land and quietly anticipating what the Lord has in store for us.

Not Just Buying A House

Almost a year ago, we started making phone calls, doing research, figuring out our financial plan and understanding the market of real estate. As the year progressed we made lists of our needs and wants. We prayed about the timing. We paid off debt. We got all the paper work and approvals ready to go. We started looking at houses. As we started visiting properties, my heart and mind started to imagine what our life would look like in each of these homes. Was this where we would raise our family? Then my mind and heart began to go deeper...will we share God's love with these neighbors? Lord, is this neighborhood our ministry?

We are intentionally taking root where we hope God will use us to share the Gospel. Every house we see or neighborhood we visit, I am asking God to show us where He can use us best; regardless of my selfish desires. Which, by the way, is really hard to pray. Because houses and yards are so pretty!

But Not That House

House hunting is becoming a full time job. Between phone calls, scanning the suburbs for listings, going to see a listing and finding sitters EVERY. TIME. for the listing; it's...well, kind of exhausting (on top of my managing 4 kids and Joel managing his full time teaching and coaching career, I digress). As our search continues it has become apparent where God does not want us living. I mean, it's literally become comical and expected that the houses we see or plan to see will have a big, glaring, red flag of some sort or obstacle so that we cannot further pursue it.

To give you a few (laughable....go ahead, I have!) examples: flooded basement, extremely large dirt pile in basement, houses going under contract hours before or after we show up to a house, children getting sick so we have to cancel listings (to which those listings also go under contract 24hrs after we cancel), houses go on market and then oddly off market within hours of us booking a showing, I mean...I could go on. I have gotten to the point that when we book a showing I expect a call from our agent letting us know there's a problem or there's a reason to cancel. Like that one time I thought we had a solid showing lined up after church one Sunday afternoon, only to say to Joel, "Wouldn't it be funny if we got in the car and I had a call from Judy (our agent) canceling?" Because that's exactly what happened. Missed call from Judy. Awesome. Just hilarious....[Insert eye roll]

So fine. I decided to change my prayer from "God is this our house?" to "God show me that this is not our house". It worked. My confidence and faith grew as we stepped into each house. I knew God would make it incredibly obvious which houses were not ours. I became more aggressive in our search, being willing to step outside our comfort zone trusting God would make it known if this house was it. 

This One House

But then...there was this one house that had no glaring red flags. We saw it on a whim after we decided the house now known affectionately as the "dirt-pile-lipstick-on-a-pig" house was clearly a no! It was out of our price range and a for sale by owner. It was on zillow. Joel suggested we not waste our showing time (and babysitters) and take a look.

It was the location and neighborhood we wanted. It met our needs, exceeded some of our expectations. It was the first house I genuinely felt confident about wanting to put an offer on. So we did. But after a few counters, it was a no. I really thought it would work out. I was disappointed. 

That was April 20th.

As of noon on June 3rd, they accepted our offer and we had a contract. We left that house in April. We kept searching. They remained on the market, at times literally the only house in that price range in that town. Then they reduced their price (after raising it for some ridiculous, unknown reasons!) so we offered again in May. Still no meeting us. So we continued to shop. It was not until the first week of June when our realtor and lender (without us asking) made it known to us that we could raise our offer a bit more and still remain where we wanted to be financially. So we decided to offer again....and they took it!

Another Offer

Thursday evening, June 1st we had a verbal confirmation from the sellers for our offer. We signed the contract and sent it over at 7a Friday morning. Friday afternoon at 3:30p I received a call from our realtor that they had received another offer. We were completely shocked! After all this time on the market they suddenly had another offer on the table. 

What?! 

Now they were asking for all parties to submit their best and final offers by noon on Saturday June 3. I was actually very hesitant all of a sudden. My first thought was that they were bluffing to get us higher. It made me incredibly nervous to work with owners who would do this. I then thought maybe this was God's way of telling us this was not our house. We knew we weren't going to change our offer. We agreed on it. I felt very strongly that our offer was what God intended for us. If the sellers chose the other offer I was at peace that this was not our house. We'd come so far with these sellers to find out that these last few moments could make all the difference.

So we waited and prayed.

At 12:05p on Saturday June 3rd, we had a signed contract on the house. It was ours! It turns out that there really was another offer at the last minute. The sellers were incredibly honest, and nervous since they had verbally confirmed with us. Their agent recommended the change due to the other offer coming in. We were, as was our realtor, pretty sure we've been their first and only interested buyers since they came on the market in March. It amazes me that at the very end of all this I think God used that offer to help us fully trust Him and His plan for this house. We could have raised our offer or walked away. But we stood firm and felt that was what God was asking us to do. As we found out later, the other offer had been lower than ours. The sellers were actually relieved to sign our contract and stick with the original plan. I believe this offer helped them commit fully to our transaction too because it helped them see they weren't going to get much more for their house.  

Unfolding Our Home

As exciting as it was to finally have a signed contract, there were more steps to be completed before we knew for sure that this house would be ours.

House hunting is only the tip of the iceberg. Below the surface, once a contract is signed, lies a separate process of evaluating the home and making sure it is a solid purchase. My excitement was being held lightly now, because if I was taught anything by that last minute offer coming in it was that nothing is a sure thing until we have the keys in our hands.

So we have moved forward with inspections, appraisals, requests for repairs, etc. Each and every step has been incredibly smooth. I've heard absolute horror stories about house buying! But we've been checking off the boxes on our to-do list seamlessly.

The Final Days

We are 22 days from closing! We have finished most of the steps needed in the entire transaction. I'm absolutely in awe of how God has been divinely involved in the most minute details. I say this with complete humility, but a very clear example of His working in such small details was through our interest rate. When we made our final offer to the sellers we had to increase our offer a bit, which moved our monthly mortgage higher than we wanted. We went ahead trusting this was what God wanted. Weeks later when we signed the mortgage documents (so much signing!) we ended up with an incredibly low interest rate that moved our mortgage payment back to where we had been before we increased our final offer. I mean, only God can do something like that! 

I wanted so much for Him to direct us and be apart of finding our home. He has provided the right people to guide us, answered some of our deepest needs and prayers, and has confirmed to us over and over throughout this process that this indeed is our new home. I cannot begin to express the excitement and peace we have moving forward! I look at this entire journey and can only see God all over it!

Almost Home

Finding a home has reminded me of my eternal home with Christ. While we've been busy searching for our physical home to raise our family, I'm reminded that I long for my permanent home someday apart from this Earth. I've spent a lot of time searching for a home, missing toys, lost Cheerios, new friendships. And the list goes on. But one thing I will never have to search for is my eternal home when this life is over. I've found Jesus Christ and His love for me. I've found His sacrifice and redemption through the cross so that I may spend my eternity with Him in a perfect home in Heaven. I've found a deep and soul-quenching relationship with my God that proves to be steadfast no matter life's circumstances. I'm no longer a nomad with no place to call home but a child of God who's Kingdom is my inheritance. Dear friend, where will your eternal home be? 

"Ask and it will be given to you;seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

Mother, Did You Know?

The air is filled with the sweet smell of hot cocoa, peppermint mochas, and the sights of bundled up, red-nosed babies....Christmas season is here!

Among the hustle and bustle, Advent has begun. The anticipation of Christ. The desire to see all things made new. A God on a rescue mission to save the world from darkness and sin with His own son; a precious babe in a manger. Our Savior's story begins here.

 

Mary, Did You Know?

I have so many favorite Christmas songs. My absolute favorite song is "Mary, Did You Know". I can't hardly get through the song without shedding several tears. There are so many feels! The song, first and foremost, reminds me how humble Jesus was to come to us in the way that he did. Not a King, not floating down from heaven--a helpless, dependent little baby. I'm not sure there's much else that comes quite that close to extraordinary humility. Second, as a mother, I identify with this song in very deep places of my heart.

I can't imagine what it must have been like to be the mother of Jesus. To submit to such a holy calling of bringing God's Son into the world. Her faith was deeply anchored in God, despite her fears I'm sure.

Mother, Did You Know?

If you listen closely to the song, the lyrics ask if Mary knew of all the things Jesus would one day do. Did she realize the magnitude of what this little baby, whom she was holding and nourishing and caring for, was going to accomplish? His unconditional love wrapped in a universal and purposeful plan to save the entire world, including her? 

"Did you know that your Baby Boy 

has come to make you new?

This Child that you delivered 

will soon deliver you."

Wow. 

It brings me to my knees in my motherhood.

 

Mother, do you know? You also hold an amazing gift of a child. A child that has been entrusted to you. God has big plans for your little ones, despite how long and tiring the days may feel. Despite how incredibly unfit and inadequate we feel to be mothers. But God knows and sees you. There is no other more perfect to fill this role for your child(ren). Motherhood is a holy calling. Just like He called Mary. We must anchor ourselves in faith that God will do mighty things with and through our children.

Mother, do you know? That what you are doing today will impact many tomorrow. Your unconditional love and sacrifice is a glimpse into the sweetness of the Gospel. Be near to the Lord. Be near to your children.

One of my favorite verses from the Christmas story,

"But Mary treasured up all these things

in her heart and pondered them"

Luke 2:19

As a mother, I'm not sure how else I'd respond seeing the sovereign display of all things heavenly and earthly colliding in a simple stable over my new baby. The Great I Am had come. 

Your greatest gift is Jesus. Cling to Him and teach your children to do the same.

Peace and Joy to you mothers this season!

Merry Christmas!

Within These Walls

It's Wednesday. My morning is bustling with getting ready for kindergarten drop off. My goal by the time we leave the house: everyone fed, dressed (hopefully weather appropriate!) and have shoes. Most days we leave with at least 1 child crying, 1 or 2 children arguing with a sprinkle of sass and attitude. (Insert eye roll) You have no idea how tempting it is not to stop at the friendly, neighborhood Starbucks daily for some magical, brew of reassurance that all will be right in the world!

Our Walls

We are a growing bunch! A table of six now. Most days I look at our small, but cozy, condo and wonder how on earth we are doing this?! It is getting cramped up in here! But it honestly makes me reflect on the 5 almost 6 years we've lived here. I never would have guessed we would have had all our babies here! When we moved in I was pregnant with Emalyn, working full time, Joel working full time and in school full time. Life is so different now!

These walls to our home are very special to me. If they could talk they would speak of the many gatherings of people that have come and gone; new friendships and old. The hard conversations and many, many prayers that have been spoken. They would tell of the crazy children running round and round, the singing voices when we have family dance parties and the many holidays and birthdays celebrated. They could also tell of the arguments, sadness, brokenness and life obstacles that have been overcome within these walls. They could speak of Hope, of Christ, His provision and how much God is apart of our every day life.

New Walls

These walls bring me so much joy because this is our home and your home is wherever you live life with your family. But we have decided to start on another journey: A new set of walls. We are looking to buy a house, Lord willing. As exciting as it is for me to think about having more space (before I lose my ever-blessed mind), I am a little sad. We've made our family here. God has provided and shown us so much by living here, part of my heart with always remain within these walls. This is the only home my babies have ever known. It is especially humbling for me to think back to the beginning of our home because God provided in truly magnificent ways! We developed an amazing relationship with our landlord, who is a youth pastor, and his family. Both our families have continued to pursue the Lord as our relationship grew. Through the years of famine and plenty, they graciously helped us and continued to pray for God's provision of a full-time teaching job for Joel. I cannot speak of a more humbling and God-centered business relationship that I have witnessed first-hand. His words when we first started renting "We are thankful to have believers living here. We see it as God's money just exchanging hands". What a testimony they have been to us!

God's House

As I think about moving and where that will be, I have been praying already for quite awhile. I saw God hand-pick our condo. He gave us so much to be thankful for while living in our condo. He gave us our close church community. He gave us an amazing location for our condo, so that while we spent a handful of years with only one car we were able to walk to countless places on a daily basis from grocery stores to parks to church and more!

I want Him to hand-pick our house.

I obviously have a list (ehem, long list!) of things I want but ultimately, I want my family to be moved where God wants us to be. I look forward to a neighborhood to minister to and spread the love of God. I even think about the entire house-buying transaction and how God will be intimately involved in that and the people he will hand-pick to help guide us. I already see him providing our necessary funds and opportunities to save what we need. I pray about all the impossibilities that can really weigh on us, or what seem like impossibilities in the real estate market, and know that it is NOT impossible for God to find us the right house for our family. I think of the gatherings, over-night guests and hospitality we will have in our house, and pray for God to show us the best place where we can invite others into our home. My mind is FLOODED with so many thoughts and dreams of our future home! 

I want to look back over this entire journey and revel in every big and small facet of the entire process and see the beauty of God's provision, timing and will for this new home!

Small Spaces, More Love

There is one thing from these walls that I believe we have received far better than anything else--a closeness and deep love for our family. When you don't have many other rooms to go to, other distractions or have to share a bedroom with your sibling, a deep closeness develops. When you have an argument with your spouse but aren't separated by many other walls--a closeness develops. When you need to clean house but only takes 20 min or so, then you can spend more time with your children--a closeness develops. I'm not saying it's all roses every day, but I will say I have witnessed many sweet moments among my children that I know is fruit from living in such a small space. We get creative, whether by necessity or not, and it really helps bring our family to a whole new level. I will miss that. I do pray we can continue and keep this closeness no matter where we live! 

"By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established through knowledge. Its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures." Proverbs 24:3-4

God bless our home today and in the future!

A Letter For Kindergarten

Dear Emalyn,

It is the night before you go to kindergarten. I realize you are not going off to college. Thank goodness! But I can hardly believe it's here! I'm so proud of you. Looking at you today, I know you are more than ready! It would only be selfish of me to not let you go. I want you to spread your wings baby girl! It's time.

This will be your first experience in school. You have been with me EVERY DAY, ALL DAY for the past 5 years. I have loved every minute of it. I know we have our hard days, but you are blossoming into a beautiful young lady--inside and out! I have watched your heart grow with compassion for others and a love to share Jesus. I have watched your mind grow in knowledge and new experiences. I have watched you welcome 3 new siblings into our home in the last 5 years.

When I think about you moving onto your next adventure of Kindergarten, I am very excited for you! I know you will make plenty of new friends. You will be an enthusiastic learner and helper. You will care for those who are hurt or need help. You will bound out to the car every day when I come to pick you up with an overflowing excitement of all that you did. Your laughter and joy will be contagious to your classmates.

Emalyn, I'm going to miss you. I know it will only be 2.5 hours (praise The Lord for half day!), but I know this is the beginning of your years upon years in school. I'm thankful for this stepping stone of Kindergarten--but I am mostly excited for the world to see who you are! And for Christ's love to shine through you, as it already does!

Sometimes, I am nervous to think about what you might experience at school for the first time and I won't be there to talk you through it or comfort you. But that's ok. I know you are a big girl and will make good decisions no matter what others may think. I want to give you a few things to remember while you are in school--but really these things will be valuable to you no matter where you go in life.

Be a Friend. Take the time to make new friends. Be a friend to someone just like you, someone who is different than you and be a friend to someone who needs help. 

Kids Can Be Mean. It's ok. Do your best to walk away or get help if you need it. Your feelings may get hurt, but remember mean people are usually hurting inside too. Your identity is in Christ, not what other people say about you.

Love to Learn. Embrace learning. Soak it in. Knowledge is power. Find things you love and learn all about them.

Make Mistakes. It's ok to make mistakes, in fact, I give you permission and even encourage you to make mistakes. That is the best way to learn and the best way to succeed. 

Different is OK. Everyone is different and that's ok. Everyone does things differently than you. Everyone comes from different families. It is ok to learn, ask questions and accept different. It is never ok to hurt someone because they are different from you in any way.

Take Risks. In friendships, in learning new things and in life! Learn to take a leap of faith. You'll miss out on some incredible adventures without taking a risk.

Play. You need to play as often as you can! Use your imagination and creativity; in the classroom and at home.

Be Jesus. Love others as Jesus loves you. It may not always be fun or kids may not always understand but God sees you doing it and that's all that matters.

Pray. When you are happy and excited, tell Jesus! He loves to hear that from you. Pray also when you are hurt or need help or don't know what to do. He will guide you and give you what you need...always.

My sweet daughter. You are the love of my life and I am so honored to be your mom! Raising you is such a joy for me. I thank God every day for entrusting me with you. I am accountable to Him for you. Every day your father and I do our best to teach you, love you and raise you to be an amazing young woman who loves Jesus and others deeply. I know He will take care of you while you are away. You are going to move mountains! I cannot wait to see all the things you will accomplish!

Kendra, Benjamin, Caleb and I will be waiting in the car every day after school for you!

I love you,

Mom

3 Months

Turning A Corner

Has it really been 3 months since your birth day? It feels right and fast all at the same time. Our little family has definetly adjusted to our new way of life. It is beginning to feel farther and farther away since I did not know a time that you were with me, Benjamin and Caleb. I am growing so in love with you as each day passes. 

You both are now at a much different place than you were after you were born. We can hold conversations now. You are content when you are away from me for longer periods of time. We are all sleeping better! And you both have so much personality! It is so fun observing your similarities and differences, even at this young age. 

Benjamin

My sweet Ben. You are a fierce little one! You are so content and happy and love to smile and coo! But when you are mad, you go from 0 to 60 in milliseconds. I can already tell you will be a determined little boy! I believe you will be a leader with much verocity and passion. You also love people! You look at me until you catch my eye, then give me the biggest smile. You reach for your brother's hands when you are nursing. And you love to talk with Emalyn and Kendra; cooing and getting very excited. I can tell you have a lot to say and perhaps wished your body was more developed because of the way you grunt and growl. I'm sure you wish you could just start talking now! You are also a very strong little boy, pushing off of things with your legs. Ben, you make me happy! I love watching you and loving you. I pray you will know Jesus as your personal savior. I believe together, you and Him, will move mountains!

Caleb

My charming Caleb. You are a gentle spirit. Your cries strike my heart every time. I want to hold you and make everything right when I hear you. You are very observant! You look around this big world with huge eyes, soaking it all in. Sometimes I wonder exactly what you must be thinking with everything you see! I know you are excited when you start stomping your foot and making loud noises. You also love to coo and smile at me! And your sisters adore you! I think you will be gracious and helpful to those around you. You love colors and pictures. I can tell you love Benjamin very much. When he's upset, it's not long until you are upset with him. I believe, one day, you will be a good friend and good listener to so many. You will laugh and cry and sympathize with others. You will be there for them when life is rough. That is a wonderful thing to know how to "feel" and help others to do the same in this world that can be cold and broken in so many ways. I love you and love watching you grow! Jesus loves people just like you. I pray you too will know Jesus as your personal savior. 

Long Days, Short Years

I can't believe it has been 3 months with the boys, just like I can't believe I'll have a kindergartner in August. The days are long but man are the years flying! 

I'm amazed at how demanding these young motherhood years can be. No one tells you just what to expect. And I'm not really sure it would ever be possible to be able to share exactly what it's like to a new mom-to-be. She has to experience it her way, on her terms, with her very own child. Motherhood is something I always wanted but I never knew how tough and rewarding it is and continues to be. I wouldn't change it! I am thankful that these precious gems have been entrusted to us and thankful I know the God who will help us raise them well. I have days when I get overwhelmed thinking about all of my kids' futures and the long journeys we all have ahead but it's about the moment right now, this day. I need today and just today to see the love growing in our family. 

My littles are the grace I need, the joy I smile over and the love that spills out all over this house. That must be how God loves and sees me as His child. To God be the glory in my motherhood!

Double Take

Have you ever had a season in your life where your emotions are all over the place? Whether one moment you're sobbing in a melting puddle on the floor and the next minute laughing so hard you can't catch your breath? Yup, I'm in one of those seasons! It's called the Newborn Season.

Enter the Newborn(s)

This may be your first time through mommy-hood or you might be a veteran but either way, no matter who you are, newborns will take you down with no mercy! They may seem like sweet, little, innocent beings filled with rays of sunshine after they are born, so cuddly, but bring them home and all bets are off for the next 3 months! (Ok, really the next YEAR but I'll try not to make those of you who haven't had a newborn yet run for the high hills!) And try TWO newborns at once! ....ill get to that more later.

In any case, newborn season ain't no joke. It's boot camp. Your goal is to come out alive. I've never been to boot camp, but I'm willing to put my money on it. And though this is my third go-around at this season, you'd think I'd have it together and skate on through....well you'd be wrong! The biggest weapon newborns have against us during this season is sleep deprevation. Because this is the tool our sweet, little offspring use that wipes "newborn season" out of our memory with a quick blur, to which we look back and say, "that wasn't so bad!" To which we procreate again and BAM back to newborn season where we say, "Gah! I totally forgot about this! How do I DO THIS?!" And repeat.

Been There Done That....I Think

So here I am, kid #3 & #4 (yes we had twins!). I've done newborn season but not with two at once. If you had been a fly on the wall our first night home you probably would have laughed at us and thought, "They must be first time parents!" Except that we've done this TWICE before. We put our two older kids to bed, then struggled the whole night trying to figure out how to sleep, where to sleep and who holds which baby because we forgot to put up any 'baby holding' contraption, like a swing or bouncy seat. This was not working. We somehow stumbled through our first week home. And yes, we finally managed to get our swings up (even though our boys decided they didn't like their swings 3 weeks in....just like a newborn right??)!

But now, here we are, 8 weeks later and it's a bit (seriously, just a bit) more smooth. I remember now that, in my experience, it's not worth the mental and emotional stress trying to figure out newborns. They are a whole different animal! Believe me, your 3 week old will seem very different by month 4 or 5. You won't even believe it's the same child! And so my advice is that newborns are like surfing....just ride the wave and you'll make it to shore!

Riding the Wave

So this is how I, personally, ride my "motherhood wave" these days. I realize, and believe, there is no narrow road (or wave if you will) to mothering. You HAVE to do what works for you! No two women, children or families are the same and neither are their journeys through life. We all need different things. So with that being said, here are some of my new life's adventures that might serve up a bit of laughter for your day! It does for me anyway....!

Twins 

Ok, so at this point my entire life is consumed by feeding people. No seriously. Feeding people with my body, making food in the kitchen to feed people or making food to feed myself. And because I spend a majority of my time feeding the twins on the couch all day long, I recently experienced an a-typical day and found myself posting this success on my multiples mommy group Facebook page:

"Twins are 4 weeks old (EBF) and yesterday I accomplished: unloading and loading dishwasher, cutting up a whole pineapple and putting dinner (pre made by a friend!) in the oven...and still kept all 4 children alive! I know you all understand. #Twinning"

Or this:

"While my hubby and I were watching a documentary on sea lions: "After nursing their pups for an extended amount of time, the moms leave them behind in search of food" You got that right!! I hear ya girl, it's rough." #Truth #NursingLikeTheAnimalKingdom"

 

And then eventually I graduated to this:

"Anyone else carry their Breastfriend nursing pillow around the house when your twins fall asleep, doing miscellaneous activities (such as wiping your older childrens' bottoms, getting more coffee, etc)?? No? Just me? .....nurse on...."

These are all real posts! This is real life with twins. 

This is my nursing pillow: 

The last post inspired a mom to comment that not only does she do exactly what I do (walking around the house with the pillow) but that she has fantasized about how wonderful it would be if there was a way to attach suspenders! Ha! That sounds genius to me and made me think of this:

*Note: No babies have been or will be injured in the "carrying of the nursing pillow". This activity only happens when no other options are available. Precaution is always observed.*

Here's a few things I have found different (and quite honestly hallarious!) on this new go-around during this season having a 5 year old, 2.5 year old and newborn twins:

• There will always be someone who's unhappy

• Peeing more than 2x in a 24-hour period is a win

• Remembering to use the bathroom is even better

• Doing things one-handed is a dream

• Taking for granted the ease of nursing 1 baby in public

• Babywearing is a must

• Lazy Boy recliner was one of the best purchases we have EVER made! Without it, I would not sleep. At all.

• Finding out I can prepare meals, wipe bottoms and a few other small tasks, all the while carrying my nursing pillow (yes I'm sure it's not the best idea, but without this magical power my children would never leave the toilet and starve all day!)

• Never underestimate the hunger of a twin-nursing mama (No really, eating is my job at this point)

Being In The Moment

Yes, I've listed many funny things about this time in my life. And the honest truth is that I try not to take too much too seriously. I want to enjoy this time. Trust me, I have hard days when I can't wait until my older girls go to bed or I'm maxed out on being touched for the day by 10:30a. It's not all roses. But I'm choosing to see these moments as God's grace, His little blessings for our family. I love all of my children! It's crazy that this is how He intended our family to unfold. 

As a mom of 4, my goal each day is to help everyone survive, including myself,....literally, if everyone is breathing by the time Joel gets home it's a huge SUCCESS! But I also want to spend at least a few intentional minutes with each child (even both newborns!). For my 5-year old this may look like playing a game  with her while I nurse the twins, with my 2.5 year old this may look like giving her extra snuggles and kisses. For the boys it's taking moments getting to know their coos and smiles separately and learning their different personality traits.

Our boys are gifts. And I'm learning more about each of them every day. I forgot how satisfying a newborn's smile and coo are! I take every opportunity I can to get Benjamin and Caleb to smile. I love it! That moment makes all that I'm doing for them worth it. Watching our girls love their brothers and have such mothering tendencies towards them is so wonderful. There is so much love in our house that it is spilling out all over the place. We actually have to tame it! It's a beautiful thing.

I am continually amazed that I'm a twin mom. Wow. I mean, I know I went through the entire 9 months, felt them kicking, delivered them, nourish them daily and still....I'm blown away that we were blessed with two! It's truly humbling. Scary at times when I think of raising two of the SAME age at the SAME time, but I can see the endless provision God will and has already provided.

God is so AWESOME isn't He?! Praising Him moment by moment in this crazy mess that we get to partake in called Life.