It was a wonderful hospital stay with rest, wonderful visitors -top of the list being big sister Emalyn who was in love at first sight- and time together getting to know Kendra. We were looking forward to going home a few days after the birth and begin our life together as a new family. What we didn't know, is God had other plans.
Monday night (before our tennative discharge Tuesday morning), the hospital pediatrician informed us her Bilirubin number was a bit high. Basically she had some jaundice (the liver at an infants young age sometimes can't keep up with destroying the necessary toxins of the body, therefore they keep an eye on the Bilirubin number-the measurement of toxins within her bloodstream). Kendra was put on some lights that evening to help destroy the jaundice and lower her number.
This is all very normal for newborns, so we thought nothing of it. The following day, her morning test was fine but her afternoon test showed a higher number. The hospital was now discharging us but the pediatrician would not allow Kendra to leave, requesting that she go back on the lights overnight. We were not expecting this. We knew nothing was seriously wrong but this was the first time we were leaving the hospital without our baby. My emotions were already vulnerable because of just having given birth. My anticipation and excitement of leaving our room, traveling down the hospital corridors with our babe in my lap was now shattered. I was told I could return to the hospital to nurse her, and that was what I decided to do. But walking out to our car with an empty carseat is very weird and heartbreaking.
I returned to the hospital at 6:45a to continue nursing Kendra. Her last test had been taken at 5a and we were waiting for results. The day before the pediatrician had said her number needed to be less than 15, her test came back at 13.7. However, around 9a the pediatrician came in and said she still felt it was a little too high. As kindly and humbly as I could I questioned her and discussed the information I knew. I also knew that jaundice is not only normal but can last for up to 2 weeks and gets better the older the baby is. Joel and I discovered several testimonies from parents who's children went home with even higher numbers than Kendra and were given the instruction for lots of fluids and sunlight. Still the pediatrician wanted to keep her there and test again a few hours later. In a nutshell the day progressed with a few more blood tests and a few more conversations with the final conclusion that Kendra would not be discharged and required to stay another night. I could not believe it. I had spent all day with my baby trying my hardest to comfort and sustain her while trying to discern what was going on. Wednesday afternoon, I had to go home to see my family and gain some sanity. Before I left, the amazing head nurse Mary came in to take Kendra back to the nursery (where she would be put under even more lights). I was frustrated, sad and a whole mix of emotions. I confessed to her that, with all due respect to the pediatrician (Kendra's actual pediatrician was out of town for the week), I believed Kendra was not in any danger. I felt these things were unnecessary and I felt helpless to get my baby home. I asked her to confirm i wasnt crazy thinking that this was all very extreme. She looked me straight in the eye and said,"you are correct. She's not in any danger and I have never seen any jaundice baby have any problems in all my 25 years. Even ones with higher numbers than yours. Your not crazy. She is being hyper-sensitive and getting your baby home is what I want for you." I felt a bit of relief. I started to cry and asked what do I do. She said she would work with the pediatrician and get Kendra home ASAP. She encouraged me to go home for awhile. I came back that evening at 7p with my mom, for support.
We stayed until 10:30p. I left to get some sleep. I returned to the hospital at 6:45a Thursday morning. At this point it had been a roller coaster of emotions from delivering Kendra to trying to be there with her while she was undergoing treatment. I was missing my family. I hadn't spent more than just a couple hours with Emalyn since Saturday around noon when my mom came to get her because my labor was starting. Joel was concerned for Kendra and I while trying to care for Emalyn.
When i came into the nursery the next morning, i asked if they had the results from her test. They did. It was 11.6. I knew it needed to be under 12. But immediately assumed that number wouldnt be good enough. I sat in the nursery Thursday morning holding my baby. I felt so helpless. I couldn't imagine when I would finally be able to bring her home. I knew that jaundice could last for days, even weeks and I was fearful she would not be released until it was perfect. How long could that be? I prepared myself for another long day in the hospital. At 7:30a Mary, the head nurse, came in and asked how I was. I burst into tears. I thanked her for her encouragement and comfort but expressed my weariness about this situation. She looked at me and said,"I promise we will send Kendra home today." And she discussed her thoughts and options she wanted to talk over with the pediatrician. I was so unsure of everything at this point that I didn't know what to think. A half hour later the pediatrician came in and I braced myself. My emotions were spilling over and I knew she could tell. She asked,"would you like to go home today?" I was shocked. I took a breath and said slowly,"I would, with my baby." She smiled and said,"ok then, you may go home. I am very pleased with her number." Again, I started to shed a few tears. I was excited but calm. I was afraid she would have second thoughts or throw in a blood test right before we left.
As I look back on our journey home, it was a time of trusting God I had never experienced before. As I sat in the hospital hour after hour trying to love and comfort my baby while understanding and discerning what felt like a medical hurricane surrounding me, I kept thinking about the call Jesus gave us in Matt. 10:37-39 'whoever loves mother, father, son, daughter more than me is not worthy of me..whoever does not take up your cross and follow is not worthy of me...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it'. In those moments the sobering thought of entrusting the future of my child to God was frightening but I was humbly willing to do it for His glory. I knew He created Kendra and chose me to carry her for 9 months. She was His before she was mine. I didn't know what God's purpose was in all this. Even now I'm still not sure i understand. But I knew this was part of His plan for Kendra all along and there is purpose in it.
I have a new and humble respect for families who have children with terminal or very serious conditions that require months, maybe even longer, of hospital stays. My experience was very small but a glimpse into the uncertainty and fear that come with this kind of challenge. I have friends who have experienced the NICU with their little ones or other types of medical needs.I have always been thankful for the health of my family but I am evermore humbled now and grateful.
I am also so thankful for the pediatrician, though we did not see eye to eye, I know she was doing her best. I am thankful we have hospitals and doctors available when we need them.
It was a wonderful homecoming that morning when Kendra and I walked through the door. Emalyn embraced us. My heart broke every time I had to leave her to return to the hospital. She was such a good girl through everything but I know she missed me terribly as I did her. Finally, all four of us were together at last!
