Snow and a Saviour

It started snowing a few hours ago. Gentle flakes falling ever so quietly. Our home piping warm with smells of pine (thank you Yankee candle!), ham in the oven, sweet treats and tender hearts. 

I've retreated to the back bedroom for Kendra's quick snack and shut eye. The warm conversation by family coming from the living room makes me smile. But it's quiet and still with my babe in my arms. I can't help but think about Mary and her son, Jesus; Saviour of the world. 

In her arms He lay so we could choose life through Jesus who would some day die in my place. Sweet babe. Sleeping, while the world ticked on. I don't need a lot this Christmas. I thought I did. I thought it might be nice to have a few things or not have to worry about making ends meet. But I don't need any of it. I need a Saviour. I am sinful and that sin seperate a me from a holy God. He knew what I needed for Christmas...more like every minute of every day, I need a Saviour to rest my hope in and redeem me to a right relationship with God. Nothing else matters. I don't need much else. Joy has come! To the world. To my life.

She's still asleep, in my arms. Snow still falling. And my, our, sweet Saviour who has redeemed us has come to Earth this day as a babe. What else could bring me more joy? I have been rescued, redeemed and resurrected. Praise be to God! I can claim life because of His gift of Hope! Truly, friends, Merry Christmas!

It Is Finished

Today has been one of those hard days building our home. The morning has been full of rebellion, offenses, disrespect, correction and rebuking. It's enough to drain me dry of my emotions and put my attitude in a terrible place. Sin rears it's ugly head in our home, my heart and the hearts of my children. Some days it seems easier to ignore the offense or give too many chances to make the right decision to obey. But I know in the long run I am only giving into my children's selfish desires which will ultimately destroy them and let sin run rampant. I am not willing to let that happen.

What's a mother to do?? Cling to the Gospel and spit in the face of sin and death! Dramatic? Maybe. Neccesary? Definetly! I will not leave my children to their own devices. And why not? What's my motivation? Because God did not let me go. He was MERCIFUL to me; He didn't give me what I deserve which is death. Because I am unworthy to be in His sight. My sin, is not able to thrive in His presence. He is holy; set apart. Instead He showed NO MERCY to Jesus Christ on the cross, sentencing Him to my death, that which He did not deserve. He showed me GRACE; He gave me what I don't deserve, eternal life through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. And by looking through Jesus at me, I am blameless, without sin and able to be in His presence. THAT is the beauty I desire to see in my home every day.

So how does one do this with their children? By not giving them over to their sin. By looking at what God did for us and teaching them the Gospel through discipline. For our home, sin is recognized and acknowledged by the seperation it causes between myself and Joel and our children (of course it shows itself in rebellion, disobedience, disrespect, etc). They know our expectations and what is required for obedience. When they don't follow through or make the wrong decision, correction is required. There are consequences for their decision, just like sins' consequence for us is death and seperation from God. After this has happened, we pursue redemption with our children. We proceed to redeem them from their choices and reastablish a loving relationship with them; requiring them to admit and confess their sin and ask for forgiveness. Just as God asks us to do to make our relationship right with him. Then it is our responsibility, and desire, as parents to receive them back with loving arms, accepting their forgiveness and seeing them as blameless just as God sees us and rescues us from our sin! We must rescue our children from sin and teach them who the ultimate rescuerer is in their life, Jesus Christ!

My favorite part of discipline (I'm sure you're asking, "there is one??", but hang with me!) is the end. After our daughter has admitted her sin and asked forgiveness and I have forgiven her and told her I love her, we tell her "discipline is over!". She immediately turns from tears to a beaming smile. Sometimes she'll exclaim, "discipline over yay!" and wrap her arms around me. This is my favorite part because not only is the immediate consequence over but I am freeing her from any seperation we experienced. Our relationship is restored and when I look at her, her slate is clean. And she knows! It is truly something to celebrate! In our home, we have established a "no past offense" rule. That is to say, neither Joel or I bring up any past offenses that our daughter has committed. When it is over, it's over. And I believe she recognizes that we forget her sin, it is as far as the East is from the West (Psalm 103:12). We receive her and she receives us! It is beautiful.

This is what Christ did for us on the cross. He proclaimed, "It Is Finished!!" (John 19:30). God no longer saw our sin but beauty from ashes. We were redeemed and can now have a restored relationship with Him if we choose it. 

Cling tight to your children and teach them the Gospel always. They will know Him by our love. The powerful love God bestowed on us through the Gospel. And, Lord willing, make Him The Lord and Saviour of their life some day. 

Delight Yourself In The Lord

Every morning I wake up I am reminded of the prayers God has answered. My husband, best friend, father of our children and builder of our home is the man I prayed for, for years. Every day that I spend loving and serving our family is because God gave me Joel. Together we followed what we believed God was showing us and built our lives together trusting him. I am grateful for the life God has provided. He has given me so much to be thankful for. Day in and day out, Joel and I are in the trenches both physically and spiritually building our home, delighting ourselves in The Lord and glorifying God in everything we do.

We are celebrating 5 years of marriage, November 1. When I look over the last 5 years, so much has happened. But God continues to bless me, teach me and encourage me through Joel. I am so thankful for him. 

I'm thankful for his heart that he committed to The Lord many years ago. I am humbled by his compassion towards others. I am challenged by his generosity. I'm encouraged by his relentless confidence and faith in God. I'm thankful for his love of the Gospel and his conviction to share it with others on a daily basis. I admire his commitment in pursuit of student ministry.  I'm thankful for his tireless days working hard to accomplish his dreams and provide for our family. Im humbled by his spiritual leadership. I'm thankful he treasures our daughters. I'm thankful they have a father who will show them what kind of man they should look for when the time is right. I am thankful we don't always see things the same way. I am encouraged that he can help me see things differently. I am thankful for his support and encouragement of my dreams. I am thankful he has made me a mom and has given me one of the best gifts I've ever received; staying home with our children. I'm thankful for his love, friendship and companionship. I'm humbled and grateful God gave me Joel. 

I've reflected many times back when it all began for me. We were both working in youth group, I had just started and he had been there already for a few years. He was leading a junior high bible study and needed a girl leader fill in for the night. I showed up and saw him enthusiastically sharing and teaching Gods word to them. I was instantly drawn to him. The rest is history. God knows what He is doing. I couldn't have done this adventure of life without Joel. 

Working beside Joel to build our home,  our family, ministry and whatever else God calls us to is all I desire to do. Psalm 37:4 has been an important verse for us, "Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." 

Thank you Lord for my husband and marriage. May we continue to glorify you together in everything we do. To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

How to Build a Home

I have a confession. I love my family. My husband and daughters bring me so much joy. I love to plan and figure things out. I love to problem solve! I love being educated (except for anything involving math) and enjoy stimulating conversations on a variety of topics! I enjoy digging into God's word, being obedient and following His statues. I love working in our home physically (I still have yet to complete washing/folding a load of laundry since Kendra has been born), emotionally and mentally. I intentionally started this blog because of my conviction from The Lord how to raise and love our family. Everything I listed is good, and maybe even things you enjoy, but they're all about me. They are all my intentions for how I want things to be done. I am continually energized by my accomplishments and ability to prove somebody or something wrong of their perceived skepticism. Though many of the things I listed are not inherently wrong and my intentions for the most part good, it's always centered around me. I confess that if things don't happen according to my plan, in my time, I feel like a failure. I confess that I'd rather figure something out, find the answers, talk to someone than pray and depend on Christ alone; above anything else on this Earth.

Shocking? I know. And I have to admit, I'm guessing I'm not the only one. I've constantly struggled with balancing stewardship vs trusting God, responsibility vs dependence on God and so on. Perhaps as a woman (maybe even a blonde!) I have gotten stuck in believing the culture we live in that promotes independence, intelligence, and self-reliance. Though not bad qualities, for a Christ follower these can, however, be a slippery slope to distrusting God, feeling trapped, and relying on things or people that will leave you void. Oh and not to mention rob you of complete and utter joy.

As a mom and wife, I have been convicted that my good intentions to follow my selfish desires, effects my relationship with my husband, daughters and most importantly my relationship with God. In the ministry God has given me in our home, I want everything to be under the canopy of Gods grace and love. I have to start by allowing myself grace and know that only my dependence and trust in Christ will accomplish that. If I'm really honest, sometimes praying first just seems like a dead end. I'm too anxious about something tangible I can do. I strongly desire to exhaust all my options BEFORE I ask, confide or depend on Christ. Ironically, when I turn to Christ first I may not have all my problems solved but I have more peace. Which is not ironic at all but exactly how God is able to use my brokenness to glorify Him (2 Cor. 4:7-9).

So my home. My family. Psalm 127:1, explains it well: Unless The Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it. Unless The Lord guards the city, the watchmen lay awake in vain. 

I love this! Because it is easy for me to labor in vain. Matthew Henry's commentary nails it on the head. Ill let him say it: "Let us always look to God's providence. In all the affairs and business of a family we must depend upon his blessing. 1. For raising a family. If God be not acknowledged, we have no reason to expect his blessing; and unless he crowns them with success. 2. For the safety of a family or a city. Except the Lord keep the city, the watchmen, though they neither slumber nor sleep, wake but in vain; mischief may break out, which even early discoveries may not be able to prevent. 3. For enriching a family. Some are so eager upon the world, that they are continually full of care, which makes their comforts bitter, and their  lives a burden.  All this is to get money; but all in vain, except God proser them: while those who love the Lord, using due diligence in their lawful callings, and casting all their care upon Him, have needful success without uneasiness or vexation. Our care must be to keep ourselves in the love of God; then we may be easy, whether we have little or much of this world. But we must use the proper means very diligently. Children are God's gifts, a heritage, and a reward; and are to be accounted blessings, and not burdens: he who sends mouths, will send meat, if we trust in him. They are a great support and defense to a family. Children who are young, may be directed aright to the mark, God's glory, and the service of their generation; but when they are gone into the world, they are arrows out of the hand, it is too late to direct them then. But these arrows in the hand too often prove arrows in the heart, a grief to godly parents. Yet, if trained according to God's word, they generally prove the best defense in declining years, remembering their obligations to their parents, and taking care of them in old age. All earthly comforts are uncertain, but the Lord will assuredly comfort and bless those who serve him; and those who seek the conversion of sinners, will find that their spiritual children are their joy and crown in the day of Jesus Christ."

So i've decided to intentionally let God build our home, with His grace.  I know that it is a battle every day to submit to what He wants for our family, home and life.  But I am tired.  I am tired of trying, struggling, to build my home and my family under my own efforts.  I cannot do it.  I need His grace and Truth. I need Christ to build our home; to build our marriage and the relationships with our daughters. This is a home I want to live in. A home I want to raise my family in.

Journey Home

The Lord has blessed our home with Kendra Eve, born to us July 28, 2013 (8lbs 14oz, 21in!). So precious and healthy! We can't thank God enough for her arrival and choosing us to be her family!

It was a wonderful hospital stay with rest, wonderful visitors -top of the list being big sister Emalyn who was in love at first sight- and time together getting to know Kendra. We were looking forward to going home a few days after the birth and begin our life together as a new family. What we didn't know, is God had other plans.

Monday night (before our tennative discharge Tuesday morning), the hospital pediatrician informed us her Bilirubin number was a bit high. Basically she had some jaundice (the liver at an infants young age sometimes can't keep up with  destroying the necessary toxins of the body, therefore they keep an eye on the Bilirubin number-the measurement of toxins within her bloodstream). Kendra was put on some lights that evening to help destroy the jaundice and lower her number.

This is all very normal for newborns, so we thought nothing of it. The following day, her morning test was fine but her afternoon test showed a higher number. The hospital was now discharging us but the pediatrician would not allow Kendra to leave, requesting that she go back on the lights overnight. We were not expecting this. We knew nothing was seriously wrong but this was the first time we were leaving the hospital without our baby. My emotions were already vulnerable because of just having given birth. My anticipation and excitement of leaving our room, traveling down the hospital corridors with our babe in my lap was now shattered. I was told I could return to the hospital to nurse her, and that was what I decided to do. But walking out to our car with an empty carseat is very weird and heartbreaking.

I returned that evening, after seeing Emalyn for just 2 hours and having a slice of pizza, to nurse Kendra. It was very important to me that our nursing relationship be established. Breastmilk is also best for babies with jaundice. I spent Tuesday evening at the hospital from 7p to 2:15a, camping out in the lounge between feedings because they didn't have a place for me to stay. Each moment I spent with her I hoped she knew I wasn't abandoning her. It was so wonderful to hold her, but hard to let her go back to the nursery. In between feedings i researched jaundice and appropriate bilirubin numbers for her age. I headed home at 2:15a to get some sleep. The pediatrician had been confident that she would go home the next morning.

I returned to the hospital at 6:45a to continue nursing Kendra. Her last test had been taken at 5a and we were waiting for results. The day before the pediatrician had said her number needed to be less than 15, her test came back at 13.7. However, around 9a the pediatrician came in and said she still felt it was a little too high. As kindly and humbly as I could I questioned her and discussed the information I knew. I also knew that jaundice is not only normal but can last for up to 2 weeks and gets better the older the baby is. Joel and I discovered several testimonies from parents who's children went home with even higher numbers than Kendra and were given the instruction for lots of fluids and sunlight. Still the pediatrician wanted to keep her there and test again a few hours later. In a nutshell the day progressed with a few more blood tests and a few more conversations with the final conclusion that Kendra would not be discharged and required to stay another night. I could not believe it. I had spent all day with my baby trying my hardest to comfort and sustain her while trying to discern what was going on. Wednesday afternoon, I had to go home to see my family and gain some sanity. Before I left, the amazing head nurse Mary came in to take Kendra back to the nursery (where she would be put under even more lights). I was frustrated, sad and a whole mix of emotions. I confessed to her that, with all due respect to the pediatrician (Kendra's actual pediatrician was out of town for the week), I believed Kendra was not in any danger. I felt these things were unnecessary and I felt helpless to get my baby home. I asked her to confirm i wasnt crazy thinking that this was all very extreme. She looked me straight in the eye and said,"you are correct. She's not in any danger and I have never seen any jaundice baby have any problems in all my 25 years. Even ones with higher numbers than yours. Your not crazy. She is being hyper-sensitive and getting your baby home is what I want for you." I felt a bit of relief. I started to cry and asked what do I do. She said she would work with the pediatrician and get Kendra home ASAP. She encouraged me to go home for awhile. I came back that evening at 7p with my mom, for support.

We stayed until 10:30p. I left to get some sleep. I returned to the hospital at 6:45a Thursday morning. At this point it had been a roller coaster of emotions from delivering Kendra to trying to be there with her while she was undergoing treatment. I was missing my family. I hadn't spent more than just a couple hours with Emalyn since Saturday around noon when my mom came to get her because my labor was starting. Joel was concerned for Kendra and I while trying to care for Emalyn.

When i came into the nursery the next  morning, i asked if they had the results from her test. They did. It was 11.6. I knew it needed to be under 12. But immediately assumed that number wouldnt be good enough. I sat in the nursery Thursday morning holding my baby. I felt so helpless. I couldn't imagine when I would finally be able to bring her home. I knew that jaundice could last for days, even weeks and I was fearful she would not be released until it was perfect. How long could that be? I prepared myself for another long day in the hospital. At 7:30a Mary, the head nurse, came in and asked how I was. I burst into tears. I thanked her for her encouragement and comfort but expressed my weariness about this situation. She looked at me and said,"I promise we will send Kendra home today." And she discussed her thoughts and options she wanted to talk over with the pediatrician. I was so unsure of everything at this point that I didn't know what to think. A half hour later the pediatrician came in and I braced myself. My emotions were spilling over and I knew she could tell. She asked,"would you like to go home today?" I was shocked. I took a breath and said slowly,"I would, with my baby." She smiled and said,"ok then, you may go home. I am very pleased with her number." Again, I started to shed a few tears. I was excited but calm. I was afraid she would have second thoughts or throw in a blood test right before we left.

I finished nursing Kendra. Mary walked in and was so excited. I couldn't thank her enough for her help (she's getting a thank you and a Starbucks card). I quickly ran back to the parking lot to retrieve the carseat. I returned to the nursery to find my baby fast asleep. The 15 or so minutes it took to gather everything and discharge, felt like an eternity. I made the phone call I had been anticipating. I called Joel,"we're coming home!" 

At last, I had Kendra in my lap securely buckled and dressed in her cute going home outfit. We were traveling through the hospital halls down to our car. I was beaming! Finally she was mine. 

As I look back on our journey home, it was a time of trusting God I had never experienced before. As I sat in the hospital hour after hour trying to love and comfort my baby while understanding and discerning what felt like a medical hurricane surrounding me, I kept thinking about the call Jesus gave us in Matt. 10:37-39 'whoever loves mother, father, son, daughter more than me is not worthy of me..whoever does not take up your cross and follow is not worthy of me...whoever loses his life for my sake will find it'. In those moments the sobering thought of entrusting the future of my child to God was frightening but I was humbly willing to do it for His glory. I knew He created Kendra and chose me to carry her for 9 months. She was His before she was mine. I didn't know what God's purpose was in all this. Even now I'm still not sure i understand. But I knew this was part of His plan for Kendra all along and there is purpose in it.

Proverbs 3:5-6 has been on my heart all summer. And again while at the hospital, I couldn't lean on my own understanding. Nothing to my logic and reason was working. I had to trust in The Lord, I had nothing else. "Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

I have a new and humble respect for families who have children with terminal or very serious conditions that require months, maybe even longer, of hospital stays. My experience was very small but a glimpse into the uncertainty and fear that come with this kind of challenge. I have friends who have experienced the NICU with their little ones or other types of medical needs.I have always been thankful for the health of my family but I am evermore humbled now and grateful.

I am also so thankful for the pediatrician, though we did not see eye to eye, I know she was doing her best. I am thankful we have hospitals and doctors available when we need them. 

It was a wonderful homecoming that morning when Kendra and I walked through the door. Emalyn embraced us. My heart broke every time I had to leave her to return to the hospital. She was such a good girl through everything but I know she missed me terribly as I did her. Finally, all four of us were together at last!

Little Treasures

Well its been quite awhile...ehem, almost 6 months!  My heart has been full of many things that I have wanted to share over the past several months but alas, all you mamas can identify with me when I say that the end of every day brings exhaustion and a desire to accomplish absoultely NOTHING on my ever growing to-do list.  Can I get an Amen??!

But I have to say, I wouldn't have it any other way!  The exhaustion I have at the end of the day is one I am grateful for.  A tiredness that I have aquired from serving my family.  Teaching my daughter new things, dancing and singing around the house, doing laundry, food prep and cleaning, discipline, riding bikes, playing at the park and answering many toddler questions.  It is exhuasting, but if it weren't I guess I would wonder what I really was doing?  Still, I do enjoy my relaxing moments with a cup of coffee (iced now that its oh so nice out!) and doing things that enrich my soul; spending time in the Word and writing.

As a family we are preparing for a new chapter in our lives.  Joel is officially graduating Saturday with his BA in Education and Teaching!  As well as we are preparing for the arrival of our new little girl, due July 22.  Exciting times ahead!  Among all the new changes and challenges ahead, as a mom I am mentally thinking about what our family will look like once our new little one arrives.  I am anticipating the sweet, gentleness I believe Emalyn will have towards her sister (she LOVES babies!) and the sweet times I will have with both of them together at home.  I am looking forward to pulling out all those darling girl clothes again...especially the ones that only got to be worn once or twice!  I am excited to see Joel and I establish a new relationship with our newest daughter and see our little family grow.

I am thinking too about what it will be like to have an infant again.  Late nights, early mornings, nursing around the clock, not having as much down time or "me" time as I may think I have now.  Yes, the first year can be a physically draining/demanding year, but I think its also a very special one.  I look forward to the early morning feedings when all is still.  Quiet.  Just me and the babe.  Listening to the birds outside the window, knowing that the sun must be close to rising...and that the coffee pot is programmed for 5a!  Ha!

The dependcy our little ones have the first year, reminds me of the dependency I wish I had on Christ...daily...hourly...even moment by moment.  Our little babes cannot bear the thought of being away from us for even a moment!  They KNOW when mom is not holding them.  They KNOW when mom is in the room or even the house!  They KNOW mom brings comfort, security, gentleness, protection and is life-sustaining.  If my relationship with Christ operated this way, my life could not exist a moment away from Him.  But I all too often find myself depending on everything else but Him, who can give me all those things.  I am much more out of control, worrisome, stressed, fearful, anxious...and the list goes on when I don't cling to Him and desperatly desire His constant presence. 

Luke 12:32-34 - "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  Sell your possessions, and give to the needy.  Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no theif approaches and no moth destroys.  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (ESV)

This passage has ministered to me in many ways.  It feels as if Jesus is speaking to us as a parent, as our Heavenly Father would.  He wants to give us the Kingdom!  He wants to give us it all.  Build our lives into Him, for Him and eternally and we do not need to fear.  He will take care of us.  Place our treasures in heaven, not here on this earth.  We are His "little flock", His precious creation.  Just like our children.  Would we not want the same for our families?  To make our little children have to depend on anything else but us to make it in this world?  Of course not.  We want them to trust us and for them to know that we will not fail them.  We are here for them.  To give and sustain life.  Their needs are taken care of.  They can focus on other, grander things.  I pray I can do this in my life with Christ.  To focus on the life He has for me outside of what I think it should be.  Just as I hope I can provide for my children.  A chance to see God for who He really is and to know that they needn't worry.  Our ultimate parent, God our Father, will supply everything they need.  And in the process give us more than our minds and hearts can fathom!   

I pray we each see God in a new way today and treasure every moment!