"Is she being disobedient? Or does she just misunderstand? Lord, help me know the difference, and give me wisdom to teach and correct her.”
As the mother of two daughters (ages four and two), I find myself praying this almost all day long. I've been a parent for four years, but I’m the first to admit I’m still learning. I have spent much of my time searching Scripture, talking to veteran parents, and praying for God's direction as my husband and I raise these little ones. Striving to parent Biblically and knowing how and when to discipline can be a challenge, but with God’s help, I've found a few good bumpers to guide me along my parenting journey that I hope encourages you.
Think First, Then Respond
Take a moment to assess the situation, instead of immediately reacting. When emotions are running high, a knee-jerk reaction can frustrate you and your child. Both of you can lose sight of reality. You know your child better than anyone. Giving yourself time to think can help you determine the right response for the situation. This will help you determine if it is a deliberate act of disobedience or something your child may simply not understand.
Use Teachable Moments
Shortly after my first daughter turned three, I noticed a disrespectful attitude. This was a teachable moment for us, so I took the time to talk with her about our expectations and what it means to have a good attitude. Teachable moments are most effective the first time an offense happens. In the moment you can help your child understand the right choice to make in those situations. This helps you to better discern defiance because you know that if that behavior is repeated, they are willingly choosing to disobey. For younger children who cannot communicate with you just yet (such as befor the age of one, for example), it’s still possible to have teachable moments by talking with them while demonstrating what they should do, like tapping the chair with your hand so they know they need to sit rather than stand. Very young children are able to comprehend many of your expectations before being able to verbally communicate them back to you.
Know Their Heart
As a parent it's easy to get in the rut of behavior modification. Because, let's be honest, most days you feel like the house police trying to keep everything in order . . . . it's exhausting! Parenting requires constant attention to identifying repeated offenses and correcting disobedience. It’s helpful to be aware of what is going on in their heart. “The heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9). Even at these young ages, their hearts are dictating the choices they are making long before it shows up in their behavior. I have found from being acutely aware of my daughters’ feelings, that situations or transitions that surround her daily can all directly affect behavior and obedience. These are not excuses for disobedience, but taking time to observe the motivation of their actions might help you uncover what they might be struggling with.
Be Firm in Your Decisions
Disobedience has occurred. Now what? Correction and discipline are probably some of the hardest things parents have to do. We choose to discipline because we love our children. We can confidently rebuke them because we are rescuing them from the decisions they are making that could harm them. We need to be willing to correct the sin and point them in the right direction. Discipline is not easy, but if we desire them to know Christ we must help them learn to obey and to hate sin.
Bring the Gospel
My favorite part of discipline (I'm sure you're thinking, There is one?) is the end. We can give our children a taste of what Christ offers through the gospel each time we correct and rebuke them. After our four-year-old has admitted her sin and asked for forgiveness,we tell her we love her and we say, "discipline is over!" she immediately turns from tears to a beaming smile and wraps her arms around us. This is my favorite part because our relationship is restored and she sees that her slate is clean. I don’t hold anything against her. And she knows!
The Bible tells us that Christ died for us so we can have a clean slate with Him and a restored relationship if we choose it. Receiving our children with open arms will show them unconditional love and the powerful love God bestowed on us through His Son.
Go forth mamas and love those kiddos--God's grace is enough for you too!
