What's your favorite color?

Today, I enjoyed you so much! I enjoy you every day. But today, after a hard morning of frustrations for both of us, I took the opportunity to do something different. We normally go to the park or play in the driveway to release energy or have a change of scenery, but today I just wanted to be with you. I asked you if you wanted to go to the coffee shop. The one at the end of our street. I told you, you could pick out something special to drink...which you never really get to do. I asked you if it would be ok that Kendra rode in the stroller and I would just hold your hand and we would walk together. Being that we always take the double stroller, I wasn't sure what you would think. I was hoping we could sit inside together (and that double stroller will not fit through the door). You were ok with that. We started our trek. You were still a bit upset from the late mornings' events. We talked about it. We talked about other things. You told me you didn't want to crunch the leaves on our path, you only wanted me to do it. You held my hand. I told you how much I enjoyed holding you, listening to you talk.

About half way there you informed me you weren't crying anymore and you were happy! That made my heart glad. You picked up a stick. We walked a little further. We did 'red light' at each street to look for cars and then 'green light' to go. We crossed the street together and you said, "I see the coffee shop mom!" And you were right, we were not far. I told you Kendra had fallen asleep, she must have enjoyed our voices or the cool Autumn air. As we got closer I held your hand tighter. We neared the door and you told me you love coffee all the time. We went inside. You picked chocolate milk. I got my dark roast. We paid and then I told you to pick any place you wanted to sit. You chose the comfy chairs in the back corner. I parked the stroller and set down our drinks.

You looked at me and smiled as I helped you open the straw and poke it through the hole in the milk carton. You were so happy. I was so happy to just be with you! As we sat there I found myself rushing ahead in my thoughts..."ok, we will finish our drinks, then go potty, then get going to the park because if Kendra wakes up she will want to get out. No wait, she will probably want to nurse, it's probably better to nurse here, but then she won't want to get back in the stroller. Yes, we should leave to go to the park, I'll nurse there. I packed my nursing cover. That way she can play when we are done..." And so on. And there you were. Just sitting there. Drinking your milk. And then I realized, this is it. This is why I'm here, to be with you. Who cares if Kendra wakes and needs to eat or get out and play? For now, she is sleeping and I can listen to you. Just you. Find out what's in your heart and mind. And so, I asked, "Emi, what's your favorite color?" And your smile beamed, "Green!" "and what's your favorite animal?" You thought for a moment. "A green sheep!" And you threw your head back to laugh. And so I went on to ask you all kinds of questions! Your favorite food, friends, things you like to do, your favorite thing about Jesus and so on. You loved answering! "Ask me more mom!" I was tickled at your answers. We looked at the mural on the wall and talked about what we saw on the picture. Then you asked, "Mom, what's your favorite color?" "Purple! I love purple!" You giggled, "ok ask me more questions mom and then I'll ask you one when you're done asking me!" 

I had so much fun with you! You have such a lively spirit. You are so creative! You asked if you could put your feet up on the chair and lean back with your hands behind your head. You said you wanted to relax. I've had many conversations over coffee, but this has been, by far, my favorite. We spent a half hour talking, laughing and playing games with our empty cups. I told you how much I loved you. Lately, you've been stopping in the midst of your play, looking into my eyes and telling me you love me. I could have sat there with you for hours today. And even though I know I could do that everyday in our own home, there was something about not having toys or house chores to distract us. We could just sit and enjoy eachothers' company. I think I am going to make this a special time for us, me and you, every so often. Maybe in the winter time you'll want your own hot chocolate like we make at home. I'm sure I'll look forward to more conversations like this as you get older too, but even now, I still very much enjoy just sitting with you. Being here, together.

Kendra woke up after a nice long nap. And surprisingly didn't want to get out. We made our bathroom stop and headed back out on our walk home. Hand in hand. Thank you, my sweet Emi for giving me you. For letting me know your secrets, your thoughts, and what is going on in your world. I'm so blessed to be apart of it every day!

Dear Emalyn,

My sweet Emi! I love you so. Every morning when you call my name because you are up and ready for the day, reminds me you are just one day older. I have so enjoyed seeing who you are becoming! Your personality, likes and dislikes, compassion and attitude, are all rolled into one little girl. Sometimes, I feel like I am not the mother I want to be. I have so many desires for you and I! Things to experience in life together. And even just the day to day lunches that we share at our dining room table. I'm storing these memories one by one. I wonder if you can see the stress that I feel sometimes when I am not getting house chores done. I wonder if you know how much I love to sit and play whatever it is you want to play, even if we've done the same thing ten times over. I wonder if you know how much you mean to me being my first child, my first daughter. My child who I will always experience everything with for the first time in my life as a parent. I wonder if you know how imperfect I feel to be your mother but strive so hard each day to show you what it means to receive grace, mercy, ask forgiveness and know Jesus.

I wonder if you know how much I cannot stop thinking about you! You bring a smile to my face and an excitement I never knew existed until I had you in my arms. Please stay there. As long as you can. In my arms. It's harder now these days to keep you there. Because you are full of adventure and new ideas! Which I love so very much about you! But you still run into my arms and whisper secrets in my ear "I love you mom!" I wonder if you know what a great big sister you are to Kendra and how I am so thankful Kendra has someone like you to look up to and call you her sister.

I wonder if you know what a blessing you are to me. What a joy you are! How you lift my spirits and help me to be a better mom. I wonder if you can see Jesus when you look at me. I wonder if some day you will call Him your Saviour. I wonder if someday you will be a mom and you will experience this amazing adventure! My sweet daughter, I could write on and on about all the thoughts and joys I experience with you. I know that every day spent with you is a gift. A gift I continue to unwrap all the time! I love you so very much! And even though the days can be long and sometimes hard, I always miss you after I close your door and say good night. But I know I get to keep you the rest of my life!

It's Messy

My kitchen. My hair. My clothes. My basket of laundry. My attempts to discipline my 2 year old daughter and feeling completely inadequate. My dinner expectations that never turn out the way I planned. It's. All. Messy!

Motherhood is messy! In the literal sense, like the fact that by 10am there is some type of unidentifiable goo on my shirt (food, snot, who knows!), but also in a I'm-trying-to-be-the-great-mom-I-want-to-be-can't-figure-it-out...kind of way. Look, life is messy! I get fed up when my plans or good intentions get "messed up". Or I planned to be patient and talk in a soft voice to my daughter but find myself getting super irritated and want to punch my pillow out of stuffing! And it feels messy, like I've lost control. Nothing is in order, the laundry is lingering in the hallway with a desperate longing to be cleaned (since it's been a week and a half), I'm wearing the same thing 2 days in a row (because I slept in what I wore the day before!), breakfast dishes are staring at me from the dining room table while I make dinner, and I feel like I've been disciplining for the same repeated offense all day long! I feel messy inside and out. 

Messy is good! It gets a bad rep. We attribute messy to assuming there was a right way for something NOT to be messy (except a child's bedroom, no exception there!). But I think messy means it's an opportunity to explore, to discover, to find new ways to do things. Messy means it's all out there and there's nothing to hide and nothing to do except LIVE! Freedom to lower expectations, create new ones, to worry less, be inventive, BE.IN.THE.MOMENT! 

I have a hard time when things aren't in order. When I don't have control. When I fear the unknowns, it robs my joy of today. Today in my relationship with God. Today with my husband. Today with my children. God promises to take care of us! (Matt. 6:26). He never promised the American dream. And it's a hard, messy thing to entrust my life and the life of my family to God. It's a scary thing. But when I think about it, Christ dieing on the cross was messy. Yes, physically, but so much more than that WE messed up Gods original plan in the beginning...in the garden. It wasn't supposed to be like this. But through our mess of things, HE changed it all. He loved us enough to get his hands dirty, to step into the mess and rescue us from it. Beauty from ashes. The cross is our mess, but the empty tomb is our mess turned into hope!

I'm finding joy through the mess of life. There's nothing I love more than seeing my kids dirty from head to toe...because it means they jumped in, with everything they have and experienced what life had to offer now, no fear. I can't do that alone, but I can do it with Christ. With His grace and strength. Get dirty. Get messy. Don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has it's own worries (Matt. 6:34)

Snow and a Saviour

It started snowing a few hours ago. Gentle flakes falling ever so quietly. Our home piping warm with smells of pine (thank you Yankee candle!), ham in the oven, sweet treats and tender hearts. 

I've retreated to the back bedroom for Kendra's quick snack and shut eye. The warm conversation by family coming from the living room makes me smile. But it's quiet and still with my babe in my arms. I can't help but think about Mary and her son, Jesus; Saviour of the world. 

In her arms He lay so we could choose life through Jesus who would some day die in my place. Sweet babe. Sleeping, while the world ticked on. I don't need a lot this Christmas. I thought I did. I thought it might be nice to have a few things or not have to worry about making ends meet. But I don't need any of it. I need a Saviour. I am sinful and that sin seperate a me from a holy God. He knew what I needed for Christmas...more like every minute of every day, I need a Saviour to rest my hope in and redeem me to a right relationship with God. Nothing else matters. I don't need much else. Joy has come! To the world. To my life.

She's still asleep, in my arms. Snow still falling. And my, our, sweet Saviour who has redeemed us has come to Earth this day as a babe. What else could bring me more joy? I have been rescued, redeemed and resurrected. Praise be to God! I can claim life because of His gift of Hope! Truly, friends, Merry Christmas!

It Is Finished

Today has been one of those hard days building our home. The morning has been full of rebellion, offenses, disrespect, correction and rebuking. It's enough to drain me dry of my emotions and put my attitude in a terrible place. Sin rears it's ugly head in our home, my heart and the hearts of my children. Some days it seems easier to ignore the offense or give too many chances to make the right decision to obey. But I know in the long run I am only giving into my children's selfish desires which will ultimately destroy them and let sin run rampant. I am not willing to let that happen.

What's a mother to do?? Cling to the Gospel and spit in the face of sin and death! Dramatic? Maybe. Neccesary? Definetly! I will not leave my children to their own devices. And why not? What's my motivation? Because God did not let me go. He was MERCIFUL to me; He didn't give me what I deserve which is death. Because I am unworthy to be in His sight. My sin, is not able to thrive in His presence. He is holy; set apart. Instead He showed NO MERCY to Jesus Christ on the cross, sentencing Him to my death, that which He did not deserve. He showed me GRACE; He gave me what I don't deserve, eternal life through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. And by looking through Jesus at me, I am blameless, without sin and able to be in His presence. THAT is the beauty I desire to see in my home every day.

So how does one do this with their children? By not giving them over to their sin. By looking at what God did for us and teaching them the Gospel through discipline. For our home, sin is recognized and acknowledged by the seperation it causes between myself and Joel and our children (of course it shows itself in rebellion, disobedience, disrespect, etc). They know our expectations and what is required for obedience. When they don't follow through or make the wrong decision, correction is required. There are consequences for their decision, just like sins' consequence for us is death and seperation from God. After this has happened, we pursue redemption with our children. We proceed to redeem them from their choices and reastablish a loving relationship with them; requiring them to admit and confess their sin and ask for forgiveness. Just as God asks us to do to make our relationship right with him. Then it is our responsibility, and desire, as parents to receive them back with loving arms, accepting their forgiveness and seeing them as blameless just as God sees us and rescues us from our sin! We must rescue our children from sin and teach them who the ultimate rescuerer is in their life, Jesus Christ!

My favorite part of discipline (I'm sure you're asking, "there is one??", but hang with me!) is the end. After our daughter has admitted her sin and asked forgiveness and I have forgiven her and told her I love her, we tell her "discipline is over!". She immediately turns from tears to a beaming smile. Sometimes she'll exclaim, "discipline over yay!" and wrap her arms around me. This is my favorite part because not only is the immediate consequence over but I am freeing her from any seperation we experienced. Our relationship is restored and when I look at her, her slate is clean. And she knows! It is truly something to celebrate! In our home, we have established a "no past offense" rule. That is to say, neither Joel or I bring up any past offenses that our daughter has committed. When it is over, it's over. And I believe she recognizes that we forget her sin, it is as far as the East is from the West (Psalm 103:12). We receive her and she receives us! It is beautiful.

This is what Christ did for us on the cross. He proclaimed, "It Is Finished!!" (John 19:30). God no longer saw our sin but beauty from ashes. We were redeemed and can now have a restored relationship with Him if we choose it. 

Cling tight to your children and teach them the Gospel always. They will know Him by our love. The powerful love God bestowed on us through the Gospel. And, Lord willing, make Him The Lord and Saviour of their life some day. 

Delight Yourself In The Lord

Every morning I wake up I am reminded of the prayers God has answered. My husband, best friend, father of our children and builder of our home is the man I prayed for, for years. Every day that I spend loving and serving our family is because God gave me Joel. Together we followed what we believed God was showing us and built our lives together trusting him. I am grateful for the life God has provided. He has given me so much to be thankful for. Day in and day out, Joel and I are in the trenches both physically and spiritually building our home, delighting ourselves in The Lord and glorifying God in everything we do.

We are celebrating 5 years of marriage, November 1. When I look over the last 5 years, so much has happened. But God continues to bless me, teach me and encourage me through Joel. I am so thankful for him. 

I'm thankful for his heart that he committed to The Lord many years ago. I am humbled by his compassion towards others. I am challenged by his generosity. I'm encouraged by his relentless confidence and faith in God. I'm thankful for his love of the Gospel and his conviction to share it with others on a daily basis. I admire his commitment in pursuit of student ministry.  I'm thankful for his tireless days working hard to accomplish his dreams and provide for our family. Im humbled by his spiritual leadership. I'm thankful he treasures our daughters. I'm thankful they have a father who will show them what kind of man they should look for when the time is right. I am thankful we don't always see things the same way. I am encouraged that he can help me see things differently. I am thankful for his support and encouragement of my dreams. I am thankful he has made me a mom and has given me one of the best gifts I've ever received; staying home with our children. I'm thankful for his love, friendship and companionship. I'm humbled and grateful God gave me Joel. 

I've reflected many times back when it all began for me. We were both working in youth group, I had just started and he had been there already for a few years. He was leading a junior high bible study and needed a girl leader fill in for the night. I showed up and saw him enthusiastically sharing and teaching Gods word to them. I was instantly drawn to him. The rest is history. God knows what He is doing. I couldn't have done this adventure of life without Joel. 

Working beside Joel to build our home,  our family, ministry and whatever else God calls us to is all I desire to do. Psalm 37:4 has been an important verse for us, "Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." 

Thank you Lord for my husband and marriage. May we continue to glorify you together in everything we do. To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

How to Build a Home

I have a confession. I love my family. My husband and daughters bring me so much joy. I love to plan and figure things out. I love to problem solve! I love being educated (except for anything involving math) and enjoy stimulating conversations on a variety of topics! I enjoy digging into God's word, being obedient and following His statues. I love working in our home physically (I still have yet to complete washing/folding a load of laundry since Kendra has been born), emotionally and mentally. I intentionally started this blog because of my conviction from The Lord how to raise and love our family. Everything I listed is good, and maybe even things you enjoy, but they're all about me. They are all my intentions for how I want things to be done. I am continually energized by my accomplishments and ability to prove somebody or something wrong of their perceived skepticism. Though many of the things I listed are not inherently wrong and my intentions for the most part good, it's always centered around me. I confess that if things don't happen according to my plan, in my time, I feel like a failure. I confess that I'd rather figure something out, find the answers, talk to someone than pray and depend on Christ alone; above anything else on this Earth.

Shocking? I know. And I have to admit, I'm guessing I'm not the only one. I've constantly struggled with balancing stewardship vs trusting God, responsibility vs dependence on God and so on. Perhaps as a woman (maybe even a blonde!) I have gotten stuck in believing the culture we live in that promotes independence, intelligence, and self-reliance. Though not bad qualities, for a Christ follower these can, however, be a slippery slope to distrusting God, feeling trapped, and relying on things or people that will leave you void. Oh and not to mention rob you of complete and utter joy.

As a mom and wife, I have been convicted that my good intentions to follow my selfish desires, effects my relationship with my husband, daughters and most importantly my relationship with God. In the ministry God has given me in our home, I want everything to be under the canopy of Gods grace and love. I have to start by allowing myself grace and know that only my dependence and trust in Christ will accomplish that. If I'm really honest, sometimes praying first just seems like a dead end. I'm too anxious about something tangible I can do. I strongly desire to exhaust all my options BEFORE I ask, confide or depend on Christ. Ironically, when I turn to Christ first I may not have all my problems solved but I have more peace. Which is not ironic at all but exactly how God is able to use my brokenness to glorify Him (2 Cor. 4:7-9).

So my home. My family. Psalm 127:1, explains it well: Unless The Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it. Unless The Lord guards the city, the watchmen lay awake in vain. 

I love this! Because it is easy for me to labor in vain. Matthew Henry's commentary nails it on the head. Ill let him say it: "Let us always look to God's providence. In all the affairs and business of a family we must depend upon his blessing. 1. For raising a family. If God be not acknowledged, we have no reason to expect his blessing; and unless he crowns them with success. 2. For the safety of a family or a city. Except the Lord keep the city, the watchmen, though they neither slumber nor sleep, wake but in vain; mischief may break out, which even early discoveries may not be able to prevent. 3. For enriching a family. Some are so eager upon the world, that they are continually full of care, which makes their comforts bitter, and their  lives a burden.  All this is to get money; but all in vain, except God proser them: while those who love the Lord, using due diligence in their lawful callings, and casting all their care upon Him, have needful success without uneasiness or vexation. Our care must be to keep ourselves in the love of God; then we may be easy, whether we have little or much of this world. But we must use the proper means very diligently. Children are God's gifts, a heritage, and a reward; and are to be accounted blessings, and not burdens: he who sends mouths, will send meat, if we trust in him. They are a great support and defense to a family. Children who are young, may be directed aright to the mark, God's glory, and the service of their generation; but when they are gone into the world, they are arrows out of the hand, it is too late to direct them then. But these arrows in the hand too often prove arrows in the heart, a grief to godly parents. Yet, if trained according to God's word, they generally prove the best defense in declining years, remembering their obligations to their parents, and taking care of them in old age. All earthly comforts are uncertain, but the Lord will assuredly comfort and bless those who serve him; and those who seek the conversion of sinners, will find that their spiritual children are their joy and crown in the day of Jesus Christ."

So i've decided to intentionally let God build our home, with His grace.  I know that it is a battle every day to submit to what He wants for our family, home and life.  But I am tired.  I am tired of trying, struggling, to build my home and my family under my own efforts.  I cannot do it.  I need His grace and Truth. I need Christ to build our home; to build our marriage and the relationships with our daughters. This is a home I want to live in. A home I want to raise my family in.