Broken [American] Dreams (Part 1)

I've been thinking a lot lately about my dreams. I've been thinking about what dreams I had before I had children. The dreams I might have had in college, even as a child. And I've been thinking most importantly about God's dreams. 

The dreams I used to have were not inherently bad. I mean, who doesn't want to get married? Have a house? Have children? Have enough money to take nice, not overly expensive, family vacations and pay for my children's college tuition? Or to dream of life being smooth and going the way I'd like? But I've begun to realize more and more in my life that those are really small dreams and I'm not so sure they're dreams at all. I think they might be closer to insecurities dressed up as dreams--they are rooted from a desire to live life for myself and to provide for myself without depending on God. Who dreams of being in a broken place so they can depend on God for everything? Who dreams about the Kingdom of God and eternity in a way that it effects every single moment of their every day decisions? Not me. But I want to. 

I remember when I started to see some of my biggest dreams unravel before my eyes when I was laid off during my maternity leave with my first daughter. I was six weeks postpartum on a morning walk with her and I got the phone call. I was shocked and speechless. My mind started spinning. This was not part of our plan. I was supposed to continue working, Joel was working and still in school and wouldn't graduate for another 2 years. My job held our family insurance. I had a new little baby and no plan B. Now what?

As we graveled with this new turn in our lives, we prayed. Everything I had even thought about happening in the next 3-5 years was gone. Now I didn't know what would happen 6 weeks from now. I wasn't mad at God, but I was heartbroken. I loved my job and I loved my family. I couldn't see how God could possibly give us all we needed. We needed so many things!

That was June of 2011. As the weeks progressed, little by little our prayers were answered. Financial needs were taken care of. Joel was offered a promotion at work. I began looking for a new job and praying about what to do for child care.

I've learned by walking with God my dreams are far too small, and arent really dreams at all. When I think about the materialistic or comfortable life, especially in America, it sounds so appealing. At the same time I feel a small ping in my heart; deep in my soul. The echo of "That's it? That's all I want? Sounds like a life void of passion and risk. Sounds void of God's dreams". And you know what? It is. Because in that list I gave you above none of it is in the Bible. None (ok, yes marriage and children are in the Bible but it's not a requirement to have those things in order to follow God). So why do I want all those things? Because they feel like they can promise me a certain identity or image, security and worry-free days.

But I'm done with small dreams. I'm done with dreaming about American dreams. I want God to break my selfish, consuming dreams and start dreaming BIG about His dreams. What are God's dreams for my life? What are God's dreams for mankind? What are God's dreams for my neighbors, my kids, the injustices of the world? Now that's no small dream. His word tells us exactly what His dreams are. And we can be apart of it! 

So I want to challenge and encourage you to let God break your dreams and give you bigger and better dreams for His kingdom. It might hurt, it most likely will, to break your dreams but I can promise you from my own experience (I will fill you in on what came of my broken dreams in Part 2 of this post) and talking with others who've had their dreams broken in a profound way, that broken dreams are the BEST kind because then--you really start dreaming!

Our Beautiful Chapter of Life

Every moment of every day we are experiencing beauty, life and God's grace. This season of life for us is not an easy one, but it is a beautiful one! God has truly shown us His love and faithfulness. These pictures remind me of what God has done, is doing and will continue to do with our family. Blessed. "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4

What's your favorite color?

Today, I enjoyed you so much! I enjoy you every day. But today, after a hard morning of frustrations for both of us, I took the opportunity to do something different. We normally go to the park or play in the driveway to release energy or have a change of scenery, but today I just wanted to be with you. I asked you if you wanted to go to the coffee shop. The one at the end of our street. I told you, you could pick out something special to drink...which you never really get to do. I asked you if it would be ok that Kendra rode in the stroller and I would just hold your hand and we would walk together. Being that we always take the double stroller, I wasn't sure what you would think. I was hoping we could sit inside together (and that double stroller will not fit through the door). You were ok with that. We started our trek. You were still a bit upset from the late mornings' events. We talked about it. We talked about other things. You told me you didn't want to crunch the leaves on our path, you only wanted me to do it. You held my hand. I told you how much I enjoyed holding you, listening to you talk.

About half way there you informed me you weren't crying anymore and you were happy! That made my heart glad. You picked up a stick. We walked a little further. We did 'red light' at each street to look for cars and then 'green light' to go. We crossed the street together and you said, "I see the coffee shop mom!" And you were right, we were not far. I told you Kendra had fallen asleep, she must have enjoyed our voices or the cool Autumn air. As we got closer I held your hand tighter. We neared the door and you told me you love coffee all the time. We went inside. You picked chocolate milk. I got my dark roast. We paid and then I told you to pick any place you wanted to sit. You chose the comfy chairs in the back corner. I parked the stroller and set down our drinks.

You looked at me and smiled as I helped you open the straw and poke it through the hole in the milk carton. You were so happy. I was so happy to just be with you! As we sat there I found myself rushing ahead in my thoughts..."ok, we will finish our drinks, then go potty, then get going to the park because if Kendra wakes up she will want to get out. No wait, she will probably want to nurse, it's probably better to nurse here, but then she won't want to get back in the stroller. Yes, we should leave to go to the park, I'll nurse there. I packed my nursing cover. That way she can play when we are done..." And so on. And there you were. Just sitting there. Drinking your milk. And then I realized, this is it. This is why I'm here, to be with you. Who cares if Kendra wakes and needs to eat or get out and play? For now, she is sleeping and I can listen to you. Just you. Find out what's in your heart and mind. And so, I asked, "Emi, what's your favorite color?" And your smile beamed, "Green!" "and what's your favorite animal?" You thought for a moment. "A green sheep!" And you threw your head back to laugh. And so I went on to ask you all kinds of questions! Your favorite food, friends, things you like to do, your favorite thing about Jesus and so on. You loved answering! "Ask me more mom!" I was tickled at your answers. We looked at the mural on the wall and talked about what we saw on the picture. Then you asked, "Mom, what's your favorite color?" "Purple! I love purple!" You giggled, "ok ask me more questions mom and then I'll ask you one when you're done asking me!" 

I had so much fun with you! You have such a lively spirit. You are so creative! You asked if you could put your feet up on the chair and lean back with your hands behind your head. You said you wanted to relax. I've had many conversations over coffee, but this has been, by far, my favorite. We spent a half hour talking, laughing and playing games with our empty cups. I told you how much I loved you. Lately, you've been stopping in the midst of your play, looking into my eyes and telling me you love me. I could have sat there with you for hours today. And even though I know I could do that everyday in our own home, there was something about not having toys or house chores to distract us. We could just sit and enjoy eachothers' company. I think I am going to make this a special time for us, me and you, every so often. Maybe in the winter time you'll want your own hot chocolate like we make at home. I'm sure I'll look forward to more conversations like this as you get older too, but even now, I still very much enjoy just sitting with you. Being here, together.

Kendra woke up after a nice long nap. And surprisingly didn't want to get out. We made our bathroom stop and headed back out on our walk home. Hand in hand. Thank you, my sweet Emi for giving me you. For letting me know your secrets, your thoughts, and what is going on in your world. I'm so blessed to be apart of it every day!

Dear Emalyn,

My sweet Emi! I love you so. Every morning when you call my name because you are up and ready for the day, reminds me you are just one day older. I have so enjoyed seeing who you are becoming! Your personality, likes and dislikes, compassion and attitude, are all rolled into one little girl. Sometimes, I feel like I am not the mother I want to be. I have so many desires for you and I! Things to experience in life together. And even just the day to day lunches that we share at our dining room table. I'm storing these memories one by one. I wonder if you can see the stress that I feel sometimes when I am not getting house chores done. I wonder if you know how much I love to sit and play whatever it is you want to play, even if we've done the same thing ten times over. I wonder if you know how much you mean to me being my first child, my first daughter. My child who I will always experience everything with for the first time in my life as a parent. I wonder if you know how imperfect I feel to be your mother but strive so hard each day to show you what it means to receive grace, mercy, ask forgiveness and know Jesus.

I wonder if you know how much I cannot stop thinking about you! You bring a smile to my face and an excitement I never knew existed until I had you in my arms. Please stay there. As long as you can. In my arms. It's harder now these days to keep you there. Because you are full of adventure and new ideas! Which I love so very much about you! But you still run into my arms and whisper secrets in my ear "I love you mom!" I wonder if you know what a great big sister you are to Kendra and how I am so thankful Kendra has someone like you to look up to and call you her sister.

I wonder if you know what a blessing you are to me. What a joy you are! How you lift my spirits and help me to be a better mom. I wonder if you can see Jesus when you look at me. I wonder if some day you will call Him your Saviour. I wonder if someday you will be a mom and you will experience this amazing adventure! My sweet daughter, I could write on and on about all the thoughts and joys I experience with you. I know that every day spent with you is a gift. A gift I continue to unwrap all the time! I love you so very much! And even though the days can be long and sometimes hard, I always miss you after I close your door and say good night. But I know I get to keep you the rest of my life!

It's Messy

My kitchen. My hair. My clothes. My basket of laundry. My attempts to discipline my 2 year old daughter and feeling completely inadequate. My dinner expectations that never turn out the way I planned. It's. All. Messy!

Motherhood is messy! In the literal sense, like the fact that by 10am there is some type of unidentifiable goo on my shirt (food, snot, who knows!), but also in a I'm-trying-to-be-the-great-mom-I-want-to-be-can't-figure-it-out...kind of way. Look, life is messy! I get fed up when my plans or good intentions get "messed up". Or I planned to be patient and talk in a soft voice to my daughter but find myself getting super irritated and want to punch my pillow out of stuffing! And it feels messy, like I've lost control. Nothing is in order, the laundry is lingering in the hallway with a desperate longing to be cleaned (since it's been a week and a half), I'm wearing the same thing 2 days in a row (because I slept in what I wore the day before!), breakfast dishes are staring at me from the dining room table while I make dinner, and I feel like I've been disciplining for the same repeated offense all day long! I feel messy inside and out. 

Messy is good! It gets a bad rep. We attribute messy to assuming there was a right way for something NOT to be messy (except a child's bedroom, no exception there!). But I think messy means it's an opportunity to explore, to discover, to find new ways to do things. Messy means it's all out there and there's nothing to hide and nothing to do except LIVE! Freedom to lower expectations, create new ones, to worry less, be inventive, BE.IN.THE.MOMENT! 

I have a hard time when things aren't in order. When I don't have control. When I fear the unknowns, it robs my joy of today. Today in my relationship with God. Today with my husband. Today with my children. God promises to take care of us! (Matt. 6:26). He never promised the American dream. And it's a hard, messy thing to entrust my life and the life of my family to God. It's a scary thing. But when I think about it, Christ dieing on the cross was messy. Yes, physically, but so much more than that WE messed up Gods original plan in the beginning...in the garden. It wasn't supposed to be like this. But through our mess of things, HE changed it all. He loved us enough to get his hands dirty, to step into the mess and rescue us from it. Beauty from ashes. The cross is our mess, but the empty tomb is our mess turned into hope!

I'm finding joy through the mess of life. There's nothing I love more than seeing my kids dirty from head to toe...because it means they jumped in, with everything they have and experienced what life had to offer now, no fear. I can't do that alone, but I can do it with Christ. With His grace and strength. Get dirty. Get messy. Don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has it's own worries (Matt. 6:34)

Snow and a Saviour

It started snowing a few hours ago. Gentle flakes falling ever so quietly. Our home piping warm with smells of pine (thank you Yankee candle!), ham in the oven, sweet treats and tender hearts. 

I've retreated to the back bedroom for Kendra's quick snack and shut eye. The warm conversation by family coming from the living room makes me smile. But it's quiet and still with my babe in my arms. I can't help but think about Mary and her son, Jesus; Saviour of the world. 

In her arms He lay so we could choose life through Jesus who would some day die in my place. Sweet babe. Sleeping, while the world ticked on. I don't need a lot this Christmas. I thought I did. I thought it might be nice to have a few things or not have to worry about making ends meet. But I don't need any of it. I need a Saviour. I am sinful and that sin seperate a me from a holy God. He knew what I needed for Christmas...more like every minute of every day, I need a Saviour to rest my hope in and redeem me to a right relationship with God. Nothing else matters. I don't need much else. Joy has come! To the world. To my life.

She's still asleep, in my arms. Snow still falling. And my, our, sweet Saviour who has redeemed us has come to Earth this day as a babe. What else could bring me more joy? I have been rescued, redeemed and resurrected. Praise be to God! I can claim life because of His gift of Hope! Truly, friends, Merry Christmas!

It Is Finished

Today has been one of those hard days building our home. The morning has been full of rebellion, offenses, disrespect, correction and rebuking. It's enough to drain me dry of my emotions and put my attitude in a terrible place. Sin rears it's ugly head in our home, my heart and the hearts of my children. Some days it seems easier to ignore the offense or give too many chances to make the right decision to obey. But I know in the long run I am only giving into my children's selfish desires which will ultimately destroy them and let sin run rampant. I am not willing to let that happen.

What's a mother to do?? Cling to the Gospel and spit in the face of sin and death! Dramatic? Maybe. Neccesary? Definetly! I will not leave my children to their own devices. And why not? What's my motivation? Because God did not let me go. He was MERCIFUL to me; He didn't give me what I deserve which is death. Because I am unworthy to be in His sight. My sin, is not able to thrive in His presence. He is holy; set apart. Instead He showed NO MERCY to Jesus Christ on the cross, sentencing Him to my death, that which He did not deserve. He showed me GRACE; He gave me what I don't deserve, eternal life through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. And by looking through Jesus at me, I am blameless, without sin and able to be in His presence. THAT is the beauty I desire to see in my home every day.

So how does one do this with their children? By not giving them over to their sin. By looking at what God did for us and teaching them the Gospel through discipline. For our home, sin is recognized and acknowledged by the seperation it causes between myself and Joel and our children (of course it shows itself in rebellion, disobedience, disrespect, etc). They know our expectations and what is required for obedience. When they don't follow through or make the wrong decision, correction is required. There are consequences for their decision, just like sins' consequence for us is death and seperation from God. After this has happened, we pursue redemption with our children. We proceed to redeem them from their choices and reastablish a loving relationship with them; requiring them to admit and confess their sin and ask for forgiveness. Just as God asks us to do to make our relationship right with him. Then it is our responsibility, and desire, as parents to receive them back with loving arms, accepting their forgiveness and seeing them as blameless just as God sees us and rescues us from our sin! We must rescue our children from sin and teach them who the ultimate rescuerer is in their life, Jesus Christ!

My favorite part of discipline (I'm sure you're asking, "there is one??", but hang with me!) is the end. After our daughter has admitted her sin and asked forgiveness and I have forgiven her and told her I love her, we tell her "discipline is over!". She immediately turns from tears to a beaming smile. Sometimes she'll exclaim, "discipline over yay!" and wrap her arms around me. This is my favorite part because not only is the immediate consequence over but I am freeing her from any seperation we experienced. Our relationship is restored and when I look at her, her slate is clean. And she knows! It is truly something to celebrate! In our home, we have established a "no past offense" rule. That is to say, neither Joel or I bring up any past offenses that our daughter has committed. When it is over, it's over. And I believe she recognizes that we forget her sin, it is as far as the East is from the West (Psalm 103:12). We receive her and she receives us! It is beautiful.

This is what Christ did for us on the cross. He proclaimed, "It Is Finished!!" (John 19:30). God no longer saw our sin but beauty from ashes. We were redeemed and can now have a restored relationship with Him if we choose it. 

Cling tight to your children and teach them the Gospel always. They will know Him by our love. The powerful love God bestowed on us through the Gospel. And, Lord willing, make Him The Lord and Saviour of their life some day.